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Feeling extra emotional this evening. 

I miss my friends and family back home something fierce. 

I’m working at the rink I rarely work at and it’s making me realize how much I love my home rink. I am lucky enough to work with my significant other and some of the best people in the world. But being here, I miss Matt even though I saw him this morning. 

It’s national best friend day which makes me miss my best friend so much it hurts. 

I haven’t seen my parents in almost a year and I haven’t seen my sister in almost two years. I miss them all so much. 

But most of all, my emotional state is coming from this book. 


It Was Me All Along is a gut wrenching tale of a woman who used food in times of stress, loneliness, and heartache. As a big girl myself, I am finding a lot in common with this book and author. 

Today was my weigh-in day. I am sad to say, the number on the scale has not moved at all. But someone in the group that I am in on Facebook posted this quote today that really has lifted me up. 

So what you’re not where you want to be. At least you’re not where you used to be. Don’t let that discourage you, let it encourage you. All that matters is that you’re taking steps forward, so keep moving forward. Be proud of yourself. 

I’m not sure who it was that said that, but I needed it today. I’ve been killing it with my workouts this week and I’ve been tracking everything in WW. Even though the scale hasn’t moved, I’m doing what’s best for me. It’s a tough pill to swallow for sure but one that I need to remember. I’m doing everything right and everything in my power to become the person I was meant to be.  

XOXO

Doing this for me

I’m doing this for me”

I haven’t thought too much about why I’m doing what I’m doing. There’s the obvious reasons of wanting to be health and live longer to see where life takes me. But I haven’t really thought too much deeper than that. One thing that I’ve come to realize, is that you have to want it for yourself, and not for anyone else. 

I’m sitting outside in this beautiful, sunny day thinking about what I’m going to do with my day. I’m catching up on my YouTube and one of my favorite influencers is Laura Lee. She recently posted a video that talks about how she has gotten where she is and why she hasn’t lost followers and how she stays motivated. In it she’s talking to us, her subscribers, about investing in ourselves and no one else. “I’m not a gambler, but if I was I’d bet on me” (paraphrased) is a quote that she lives by. Of course she loves her husband and her mom and her cats but above all, she loves herself. 

In this journey that I am on, I often have to remember that I am doing this for me. Of course I have the support of my friends and family, but I have to be my biggest supporter. I’m investing in myself by getting fit and losing weight. I’m investing in myself by getting healthy so that I can have experiences. 

Several months ago, Matt and I went on a trip back east for Christmas. On that flight, I had to use the seatbelt extender for the first time. That was a real wake up call for me because we want to be able to travel together and have all these fun experiences. But with the shape I was in at the time, that was next to impossible. Since then, I don’t get winded walking long distances and I can run again; but I am nowhere near where I want to be. 

So I am investing in myself. Only I can do this for me. 

Hard work and determination will get me where I want to be. 

Only I can get where I need to be. 

So follow my journey, give me tips, and I will share mine with you. 

It takes a group to move a boulder, but you have to put the effort in yourself. 

How can we help eachother? Let me know using the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on twitter and instagram so that we may inspire ourselves and others.

XOXO

Day 11

Woof. I am hungry. I am tired. I am feeling so full of life. Wait, what? How can I be tired and full of life, you ask? Well I have been on this journey for 11 days and I can just feel the life coming back into my body. I know today I haven’t been as chipper as I normally am, but I think that’s gotta be hormonal or something. 

I’m stoked to be getting back into the gym today after work after being out since Saturday. I didn’t work out at all the last two days out of sheer exhaustion but I’m going back strong today. And I’m going to go to the step class again tomorrow night. I still haven’t charged my Fitbit which is extremely frustrating. Now that I’ve gotten my body used to what I’m doing to it, I want to work on my calorie burn vs calorie intake. Essentially, the better that ratio, the faster you get in shape. So I’m curious to see if that happens. 

I’m not trying to push myself or burn myself out though, but I need to see results so I don’t get discouraged. And that’s just because of who I am. But on the plus side, I can tell a difference physically already. It’s probably all in my head and I’m getting cocky af about it but whatever it is, its driving me forward. 

“Are your expectations for yourself too high or too low?”

I think I have too high of expectations for sure. I’ve always been obnoxiously cocky. I’m very full of myself but mostly in jest. But I do have high expectations for myself. Because I know I can do this. I have to. 

It’s one thing to say that though and another thing to actually follow through. I will. 

Will you? Let me know using the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on twitter and instagram @realtalkwithdee

XOXO

7-9?

(Just a note, this will be an old update so please excuse the present tense verbiage. Also I’m rolling several days into one)

Day 7

Ok, if I thought that yesterday was busy, well shit. Today has been insane. So last night I worked at one rink until about 10:30, drove the 45, I got home, then went to bed. Well I had to be at the other rink by 7:15 this morning to help get ready for the ice show pictures that were happening today- I woke up at 6:45…. Actually I didn’t even wake up, Matt woke me up. Luckily I always put my clothes out the night before, so it wasn’t super crazy. But I did forget to put on a shirt under my sweatshirt. 

So I rushed out the door, half awake, got to the gas station, filled up my tank, and was on my way. I made it there in record time, like, 20 minutes. It’s normally a 30 minute drive so sorry mom if you’re reading this but I did go over the speed limit. 

Anyways, so I get there and it’s like insane. Kids everywhere. Parents doing photo forms. Insanity. But I made it through, I triamphed. Then I rushed to my home rink to hit the gym before work. The night was much smoother than I thought it was going to be and I was able to watch the Steel lose (sad). But they’re not out ion it yet, we’re going to the game on Friday for my birthday!!!

“Review your entries from the past 6 days. What patterns are you noticing?”

Well, I’ll be honest, I’m not going to go re-read all of my old posts. But I can tell you how I felt over the last few days of writing. I know I’ve been depressed. This opening of wounds has been anything but fun. Day by day I am getting better though. With eating cleaner and working out, it has changed my outlook for sure and I know that it will only go up from here. I hit rock bottom and I never want to be back there again. 

Day 8 

Let’s see….so I’m writing this about a day that I was not writing at all so let me see if I can remember what I even did…

Ok I worked at Dottys in the day time! I’m very proud of myself because I have not had any junk food from my work since I started this journey! I’ve walked past the M&Ms more times than I can count and I haven’t had any. I’m so beyond proud of myself. After Dottys I came to the rink to score keep. Now this was my first time a score keeping men’s league since the awful time I had a little while back. It went quite well, no tears. I let myself eat a grilled cheese for dinner that night even though I had taken the time to make dinner earlier in the night. My metabolism must be in overdrive because I am hungry all the time. 

“Describe the last time you had the type of fun that made you smile for a few days.”

If I’m being honest, it’s almost all the time. I’m one of those people who tries to find the fun in everything. Lately I’ve been finding myself smiling a lot more. I attribute that to a lot of things: I have a job that I LOVE, a new healthy lifestyle, great friends, my credit score is going up, and Matt and I are better than ever. 

I have a lot to be happy/thankful for. 

Day 9

Ok so that was yesterday. Monday? Honestly my days are so fucked up from work. Thank GOD for my calendar app on my phone, because without it, I would be lost. 

Monday was ok. It’s been busy as fuck at Dottys and I’m just so over it. I mean, I guess getting tips is nice but at what cost? Luckily I have a good closing partner who makes it all worth it. She was nice enough to come in early so I could head to the other rink to train a little more. So I quickly ran there in the rain that feels like it will never ever end and trained for an hour then came home. I called Matt mom because I hadn’t called her in forever and I felt like such an ass. Then I went to the pharmacy and FINALLY got my meds that have been there for god knows how long. Then I called my mom. 

Her and my dad got me a NutriBullet for my birthday, which isn’t till Friday, but I opened it anyways because I could not wait to use it. I had a smoothie for dinner and then promptly went to bed at 8 pm. I needed to sleep. It was amazing. I didn’t even wake up when Matt got home. 

“What would my ideal day of health look like? What do I need to do to make sure I achieve this daily?”

My ideal day of health would include sleeping in, eating healthy meals, excersicing and then spending time outside with Matt. I would also like it to include some self-care because I think that is necessary for health all around. 

I don’t think it’s an attainable thing for me to have all of that in one day at this point, but I think to get as close to that as possible. I just need to be disciplined with what I do everyday so that down the road, I can have days like that. 

Day 10

And we’re back! Hopefully I won’t have to do catch up posts like this very often, because that was a fucking doozy. Trying to remember what I did yesterday is a very tough thing to do. Because I’m trying to live in a way that the past is the past and I would do well to not dwell in it. 

“Describe 3 triggers in your life that lead to emotional eating.”

I’ve been very hungry today. I don’t know if it’s because I should be starting soon or what but I’m like wanting to eat everything. Even when I’m not hungry. Maybe it’s beacause I didn’t post for a few days and I forgot how big of a role my emotions play in my eating habits. So it’s probably stress and lack of sleep mixed with my elevated metabolism. 

As far as my triggers go, I would posit that stress is high up there on that list. I think because eating takes my mind off of what is going on that I can fall into a binge pretty easily. 

I think boredom is a huge one with me. If I don’t have something to do or think about, or even anyone to talk to, I find myself eating; and 9/10 times, it’s unhealthy food. 

Lastly I would think that one of my triggers is anxiety. Now I know what you’re thinking, “aren’t stress and anxiety the same thing?” Well yes and no. I stress so much sometimes that it brings on anxiety but this is a different kind of anxiety. I have a fear of passing out so I eat all the time to make sure my body is full and the blood surger is normal. But that is add back thing to think because I have never had diabetes and have only ever passed out from pain or dehydration. 

I eat to hide my struggle with mental illness but that is not an excuse. 
What would your responses be to these questions? Let me know using the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on twitter and instagram @realtalkwithdee

So sorry

I work like 70 hours a week and when I’m not at work I’m either working out or sleeping. Every once in a while I get a chance to do laundry and dishes. Sometimes I can even relax and hangout with my friends! 

I’m lucky enough to have some relatively easy jobs but that doesn’t always leave me time to post. At Dottys, I can’t have my iPad out and I detest posting on my phone (which I’m doing now) but sometimes you have no choice. 

So quick update because I’m at Dottys and can’t finish up the Emotional Eating posts that I’ve been working on. I’ve been eating so good! As clean as I possibly can (minus the donut I had yesterday, you gotta #treatyoself sometimes). I actually spent some time yesterday portioning out some health snack foods that I got at Jewel the other day so that I can just grab a bag and go! 

My goal for the next week is to work more veggies into my diet, because as of now it’s mostly carrots and salad. But I want to get some raw green beans to snack on. I just wish our fridge was bigger than a mini fridge or that mini fridges didn’t use so much power cause I’d get one for outside! 

As for using MyFitnessPal, I’ve been under on my calories every day which is exciting. I haven’t weighed myself because a) I don’t care too much about weight, more how my clothes feel and how I look and b) because the only scale we have is off and the one at the gym is broken. But I’ve been really strict about adding food, even if it’s shit food like the donut I had yesterday. 

Water intake is something I’ve been working on too. I’m usually really good about drinking water- or at least I thought I was. Turns out it’s really hard to drink so much water! But always having my Starbucks cup full of water and ice is helping me tons!


I had some time between jobs on Sunday and I was able to actually cook dinner for the first time in like 2 weeks. I made tofu stir-fry and basically pulled the directions/ingredient list out of my ass and it turned out really good. I couldn’t find our spiralizer for the zucchini though so I just sliced thin strips for noodles. Unfortunately I don’t have any pictures because I’m currently at work, totally forgot to take pictures when I was making it, and totally forgot to bring leftovers for lunch today. 

I also forgot to take pictures of my smoothie that I made last night! God I’m literally the worst blogger ever. Anyways, for everyone who doesn’t know my birthday is on May 5 which is this Friday. I genuinely almost forgot about it because I’ve been so busy but my parents didn’t! Imthey got me a Nutri-Bullet which is something that I’ve wanted for many many years. Now I can make quick smoothies and bring them with me! 

Back when I worked at Old Navy and was on of the visual merchandising managers, I had my lunch break at like 9 in the morning. Well I often would grab a smoothie and be set for the rest of the day. Without even trying, I lost like 50lbs and was in the best shape of my life. I want to get back to there because I wasn’t trying so what happens if I am? 

I’ll be posting hopefully (!) tonight with the last few days of the EEC so keep an eye out for those. If I don’t, please forgive me?

XOXO

Day 6

Wow, today has been a fantastic day. I slept in, I walked to get breakfast with Matt, got paid, got groceries, and did laundry! It has been a productive day, even considering I got called in to scorekeep a game. I was so stoked to sleep in today, plus I had the bed to myself, so I took full advantage. I really needed it. 

I went to a step class last night and OH MY FUCK did it kick my ass! I was the youngest person in that room by at least 15 years and I could not keep up! If my calculations are correct, I burned about 800 calories. I mean, I can’t even describe how intense it was. Non-stop and just cardio and strength at the same time. It was crazy. I’m glad I did it thought and I will be going back again next week. 

The last few days I’ve been pretty upset with life and shit has been stressful, but today changed that all around. I ate healthy today, got a little walk in, rested, and worked. I’m happy. I’m posting this a little later than I usually would have liked to but because of my crazy schedule, it had to be late. Tomorrow’s will also be a late one because I’m working at both rinks and watching Matt coach his little kids. 

I want to get into today’s journal challenge because I’m very excited to talk about this. Maybe excited isn’t the right word though, I’m gonna go with eager. It’s a very personal and emotional post. 

“When I look in the mirror at myself, I feel ________ because _____”

Woof, this is a loaded statement. When I look in the mirror at myself I feel disgust, I feel shame, and mostly I feel disappointed. That’s what I feel most days. I feel like that because I let myself go. I haven’t taken care of myself. I’ve eaten like shit. I haven’t worked out. I don’t do enough self-care, I get depressed and don’t follow basic hygiene. 

But there are some days, like last night, that I look at myself and see progress, hope, and beauty. I see strength in myself, I am working on change. I can see and feel change in myself already and that motivates me to continue. 

Sometimes, not often, but sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror though I see ugly. It’s not often that I feel ugly, but there are for sure days when I see my reflection and I think I just look like dogshit. Mostly those day are when I wake up, bags under my eyes, no makeup and I think I look like a boy. I’ve always had more masculine features and a deep voice. I’ve been called sir more times in my life than I’ve been called ma’am. That shit never really bothers me until those random days. Those are the days that make me so angry. Because I know I’m beautiful in my own way, everyone is. But those days test my self-love. 

XOXO

What do you see when you look in the mirror? How do you feel? Let me know using the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on twitter and instagram @realtalkwithdee

Day 5

Am so impressed by what my body can do. I went to the gym after work yesterday and did a full workout without stopping.

I walked, I ran, I planked; it was amazing.

I still got discouraged when I looked at myself in the mirror before my shower, but knowing that I’m making these changes got me through it. I know its going to take a while before I start seeing physical changes in my body size but I’m so stoked for those changes to happen that I don’t want to do anything to fuck this up. I am determined to not fuck up this time.

I’m still ashamed that Ive gotten here and that I had a worry that a size 20 pant wasn’t going to fit me. And the thing about the pants in question is that if they weren’t such high-rise pants, they would not fit me. I let myself go really bad.. I. Think. The size of our camper, the rough winter, and my lack of motivation and self-control led to the place that I am now. Since 2013, I’ve gained 90 pounds. When Matt and I first started dating, I was in fantastic shape. I still had a pooch but I was VERY active. I look back and wish that I hadn’t gotten hurt and let it take me down the self-destructive path that I’ve been on.

But, as always, that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. I’m happy that I’m able to continue doing these posts, because they help me to get in tune with my struggle and also they help others who may not be able to focus on their issues or think they are alone.

“List 10 things tat you are grateful for today.”

1. First of all, I’m grateful that I am alive and well. I get to wake up in a safe place with the love of my life by my side and eat food. I don’t fear for my life (other than my weird anxieties and irrational fears). I have a roof over my head and I’m alive.

2. For friends and family that support me no matter what, I have such a great network of humans. People that support me, like Matt, my family, and my close friends here. That’s what life is all about.

3. For both my jobs even though one drives me crazy, the rink is the perfect job. I love what I do, I love the people I work with on a daily basis and that I get to spend time in a hockey rink.

4. The weather is starting to become warm again and with that comes thunderstorms, which I love. I don’t love driving in them but I love them so much. They make me happy.

5. Water. Since I started this journey, I have been drinking sooo muuuuch waterrrrrr. There’s one of those amazing water fountains that fills up water bottles, here at the rink. Those are my favorite kinds. 

6. That I have a gym to go to. Yes, I love walking/running outside, but on the days when its shitty out (today!) its nice to have a warm, dry place to workout. Plus it’s nice that its on the second floor of one of my jobs.

7. Pod Save America. This podcast…words cant even describe how amazing it is. It’s all about the US political shit that’s going on right now.

8. Coffee. Oh coffee, I have been working so so much and coffee has been one of the only things keeping me going.

9. My fidget spinner. If you’re like me, then you are constantly worrying, I’m one of those people who fidget almost all the time. But with the spinner, I find myself doing less weird/annoying/self destructive things. It also helps a lot with my anxiety.

10. My kindle. I consider myself to be an avid reader. It helps pass the time at both jobs and keeps my mind working. I’m currently re-reading the HP series, and its bringing back some serious memories!

It’s taken me almost 4 hours to compete this list. 1) because my boss keeps coming around and 2) this was a really hard challenge. It’s not that I don’t have a lot to be grateful for, but putting it into words was very hard for me. I find myself floating from day to day without really appreciating the things that I have. This challenge really helped me realize what is important to me and what I might be able to cut out of my daily routine.

XOXO

What are your grateful for? Let me know by using the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney and tag me on twitter and instagram @realtalkwithdee