I’m honestly thinking of making this a segment on my blog, but the lack of traffic has me concerned that I would be shouting to the world wile no one is listening. Which is sort of what I’ve been doing.
I want to get my take on my mental illness out there. I want to share with the world what my struggle is. I know that sounds like some serious first world problems because there are plenty of people ho have it worse. Although now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t think the term “first world problems” is the right phrase to use any more. Because there are people who live in a “first world” who don’t have the same experience as others. But that’s not what I want to talk about here. Not because its not something that I’m concerned about, because it is, but its not a topic that I feel I have enough knowledge on to write about.
Mental health, however, is something I feel comfortable discussing; because everyone’s experience is so different that I feel like there is no right or wrong way to go about this. Like what I might feel one day could be one persons high, or my lows could be someone’s rock bottom. The point is, depression and anxiety are horrific beasts that come in all shapes and sizes to fit each person differently.
My anxiety triggers are different than others and it rears its had diffent each day. For example, today I had a panicked thought: “What happens if my friend falls or gets hurt while her grandson is the only person there with her? Would he run down to our camper because he knows us? Would he know to call 911 in an emergency? What if she locked the camper? Would he know enough to unlock it?” I should point out that this came out of nowhere, like my friend does not have a history of falling, and she is quite young for a grandmother. There was no basis for this panic. And yet it came to me and worked its way into my brain.
Often have random, unfounded fears like this. I run panic scenarios in my head, most of the time its things that would never happen in real life. But that’s the way that my anxiety works. It’s a mysterious bitch. However, that’s not the only thing that gives me anxiety. Sometimes it could be too many people, or too much stimulation (i.e. too loud of music/yelling/noises), but sometimes its hits out of nowhere with a wave of anxiety.
Sometimes its a movie or a show that hits me. It makes me feel something and then I get anxious. I’m sort of a control freak so when I’m not in control of my body or thoughts, I panic. Which is why I don’t drink or do drugs anymore; not that I was ever very heavy into them, I dabbled. My need to be in control is something that I’ve talked to therapists about before, and the only thing I was told was a to try and relax. I guess the shrinks I was seeing are fucking quacks because they of all people should know that it’s very hard to control your emotions when you have mental health issues.
I’ve tried to let go and get loose a couple of times, but it was only very brief AND before my doctor up’d my dosage. On top of that, I’m now on a slew of other medications for my numerous ailments (PCOS, arthritis, chronic back pain, etc.). I basically am the most sober person. Most of my friends see me as a pretty easy going person, to them I’m “chill.” But little do they know that I fight a battle every day to seem normal. I wish it was something that was easy to fix or something that could go away on its own, but it wont. It’s honestly so exhausting to put on my happy face every day and shine like the bright star that I am. So that’s why when I’m down, I’m really down.
My close friends can always tell when something is wrong. Those are the people that I spend most of my time with. Even some of my coworkers can tell. Because normally, I’m the life of the party- and I don’t mean that to toot my own horn or anything, but its true. I have been the person that can hold groups together, the person who can make anyone feel comfortable. I’ve often thought of the spoon theory when talking about the mask that I put on when I’m with my friends and family. If you don’t know or ave never heard of the spoon theory, I’ll leave a link for you here. Basically, every day you have a set amount of spoons, do the dishes and that’s a spoon, walk the dog and that’s 2. If you run out of spoons you are so wiped out that you can’t even stand it. Sometimes you an borrow them from the next day, but heaven forbid you have something to do the next day and need those spoons. So its sort of like that for me but my amount of spoons changes from day to day. Some days I have an infinite amount of spoons but others I find myself barely holding myself up. Most of the time, its not the physical exhaustion that gets me though, its the mental.
Being happy ALL THE TIME is fucking draining- I don’t know how normal people do it. If you’re one of those people, please tell me your ways? Or if you’re like me, what do you do when the spoons have all run out but you have a whole list of shit to do. Lets help each other, ok?