I’m feeling ravenous today. Nothing has satisfied me. 

I didn’t walk today yet either. It’s killing me. 

But I’m hungry. So so hungry. 

I’ve eaten well today. But I’m starving right now. I’m at work. I didn’t bring food with me. And I’m starving. 

I’ve drank enough water to satisfy a camel. I’ve had lunch already. And I’m hungry. 

It’s probably because I’m bored. And probably because I’m tired. I didn’t take my pills yesterday and it’s throwing me off. Today is the first day in a week that I snoozed my alarm. I feel groggy and fatigued. I know rest days are important but I’m not willing to rest until I get what I want. 

So when I get off work, I’m changing into my workout clothes and driving home to walk. I was going to go to the gym upstairs but it’s too beautiful outside to be inside. 

On the plus side, I’m not feeling fat today. I feel empowered today. 
XOXO

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Feeling extra emotional this evening. 

I miss my friends and family back home something fierce. 

I’m working at the rink I rarely work at and it’s making me realize how much I love my home rink. I am lucky enough to work with my significant other and some of the best people in the world. But being here, I miss Matt even though I saw him this morning. 

It’s national best friend day which makes me miss my best friend so much it hurts. 

I haven’t seen my parents in almost a year and I haven’t seen my sister in almost two years. I miss them all so much. 

But most of all, my emotional state is coming from this book. 


It Was Me All Along is a gut wrenching tale of a woman who used food in times of stress, loneliness, and heartache. As a big girl myself, I am finding a lot in common with this book and author. 

Today was my weigh-in day. I am sad to say, the number on the scale has not moved at all. But someone in the group that I am in on Facebook posted this quote today that really has lifted me up. 

So what you’re not where you want to be. At least you’re not where you used to be. Don’t let that discourage you, let it encourage you. All that matters is that you’re taking steps forward, so keep moving forward. Be proud of yourself. 

I’m not sure who it was that said that, but I needed it today. I’ve been killing it with my workouts this week and I’ve been tracking everything in WW. Even though the scale hasn’t moved, I’m doing what’s best for me. It’s a tough pill to swallow for sure but one that I need to remember. I’m doing everything right and everything in my power to become the person I was meant to be.  

XOXO

Day 6

Wow, today has been a fantastic day. I slept in, I walked to get breakfast with Matt, got paid, got groceries, and did laundry! It has been a productive day, even considering I got called in to scorekeep a game. I was so stoked to sleep in today, plus I had the bed to myself, so I took full advantage. I really needed it. 

I went to a step class last night and OH MY FUCK did it kick my ass! I was the youngest person in that room by at least 15 years and I could not keep up! If my calculations are correct, I burned about 800 calories. I mean, I can’t even describe how intense it was. Non-stop and just cardio and strength at the same time. It was crazy. I’m glad I did it thought and I will be going back again next week. 

The last few days I’ve been pretty upset with life and shit has been stressful, but today changed that all around. I ate healthy today, got a little walk in, rested, and worked. I’m happy. I’m posting this a little later than I usually would have liked to but because of my crazy schedule, it had to be late. Tomorrow’s will also be a late one because I’m working at both rinks and watching Matt coach his little kids. 

I want to get into today’s journal challenge because I’m very excited to talk about this. Maybe excited isn’t the right word though, I’m gonna go with eager. It’s a very personal and emotional post. 

“When I look in the mirror at myself, I feel ________ because _____”

Woof, this is a loaded statement. When I look in the mirror at myself I feel disgust, I feel shame, and mostly I feel disappointed. That’s what I feel most days. I feel like that because I let myself go. I haven’t taken care of myself. I’ve eaten like shit. I haven’t worked out. I don’t do enough self-care, I get depressed and don’t follow basic hygiene. 

But there are some days, like last night, that I look at myself and see progress, hope, and beauty. I see strength in myself, I am working on change. I can see and feel change in myself already and that motivates me to continue. 

Sometimes, not often, but sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror though I see ugly. It’s not often that I feel ugly, but there are for sure days when I see my reflection and I think I just look like dogshit. Mostly those day are when I wake up, bags under my eyes, no makeup and I think I look like a boy. I’ve always had more masculine features and a deep voice. I’ve been called sir more times in my life than I’ve been called ma’am. That shit never really bothers me until those random days. Those are the days that make me so angry. Because I know I’m beautiful in my own way, everyone is. But those days test my self-love. 

XOXO

What do you see when you look in the mirror? How do you feel? Let me know using the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on twitter and instagram @realtalkwithdee

This is why I’m “fat”

I’m going to (once again) TRY and lose this weight. I am officially at my heaviest I have ever been and it’s not only bad for my health but for my relationships. I used to be able to walk long distances and not get winded, Matt and I used to be able to go on adventures all the time but now I can’t fit into an airplane seat without the seatbelt extender. Its embarrassing for me and I’m sure people who see me think, why does she dress like she’s 50lbs lighter than she is? 

This is not meant to be a self body-shame post though. I know what my body is capable of and what it has done before. I am not ashamed of my stretch marks or cellulite, because EVERYONE HAS THAT. 

I found this list on Pinterest and I decided to challenge myself to see if I can do it. I went back to the gym yesterday for the first time since I cracked a rib and sublexated my shoulder. I ran/walked a little over a mile in around 20 minutes. I hadn’t ran in over 1 year and I felt exhilarated. I started tracking my food yesterday and will try and remember to be consistant with that too. 

So here goes the first “journal” entry….

“My biggest barrier to weight loss is ____ and here is why…”

My biggest barrier to weight loss is consistency. For a while, about 2 years ago, I got super into going to the gym. I was motivated and eating right; I lost 45lbs. It was amazing, I was on cloud fucking 9. But then something changed. I don’t know if it was the weather change (fall-winter) or just the holidays but I fell off. And then I got hurt and went through that whole back-surgery thing. 

Since then I have gained 60lbs+ and have tried several times to get back in the gym and back to eating right. But I can’t get it going on. I’m fucking upset that I can’t get back into my old routine. I don’t know if it’s just me being a lazy sack of poo or lack of space to meal prep or just working all the time. I don’t know what it is. I fucking hate it though. I’m sick of being this big. I’m sick of barely fitting into a size 20 pants. 

I know my body can be healthy again. I need to be smart this time. No cheats. No off days. Just pedal to the floor, fully committed, no excuses. 

Who wants to take this challenge with me? Use the #deesweightlossjourney and tag me @realtalkwithdee on twitter or instagram! 

xoxo

Daily Prompt: Cheat

via Daily Prompt: Cheat

Ugh, this one hits home for me. I’ve beenย trying to eat healthy the last few weeks and that was going pretty good considering that my job has complimentary snacks and FANTASTIC cheeseburgers. But I let that all slip the last two days. I guess calling them Cheat Days* is a bit far fetched though. They were more like IDGAF days.

I’ll be honest, today’s bad eating was my fault for sure; I slept way too late and didn’t pack my lunch last night. That’s on me. But on Saturday…boy was I tired and just didn’t have the energy. Friday after work we went to the gym then Corn Fest (can you tell I live in the Midwest?) to meet up with some friends we hadn’t seen since May. That led to us going to a party and staying out until like 1am leaving me with no sleep and no time to prep.

I’ve dealt with hating my body and feeling fat almost all of my life. It wasn’t until recently (around Jan 2015) that I really started to care about myself and as I started getting better, I started understanding that I am a strong woman who has the potential to live a long healthy life. But I need to work for it.

Some people are blessed, but most people are like me- they need to work for that healthy body. I’m not ashamed of my body or what it can do, until I have days like this. Days where I “fell off the wagon.” My plan was to go to the gym after work but all of my gym clothes are covered in sweat and have been sitting in the laundry bag for a few days so here I am.

But tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start. I need to get my head back in it. I love the physical aspect of being healthy, its the food that can be trying. Mostly it’s the fact that M&M’s stare at me all day when I’m at work.

I did accomplish one thing though- I registered (last minute, school starts tomorrow) for a US History class at my Community College. I’m officially a sophomore in college!!!!

-DF

*In the future, I will not allow myself to have whole days of cheats, I will limit it to a meal or food item. They are necessary for sanity for sure, but until I can get my body goals met, I will not allow myself a whole day of indulgence.