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Feeling extra emotional this evening. 

I miss my friends and family back home something fierce. 

I’m working at the rink I rarely work at and it’s making me realize how much I love my home rink. I am lucky enough to work with my significant other and some of the best people in the world. But being here, I miss Matt even though I saw him this morning. 

It’s national best friend day which makes me miss my best friend so much it hurts. 

I haven’t seen my parents in almost a year and I haven’t seen my sister in almost two years. I miss them all so much. 

But most of all, my emotional state is coming from this book. 


It Was Me All Along is a gut wrenching tale of a woman who used food in times of stress, loneliness, and heartache. As a big girl myself, I am finding a lot in common with this book and author. 

Today was my weigh-in day. I am sad to say, the number on the scale has not moved at all. But someone in the group that I am in on Facebook posted this quote today that really has lifted me up. 

So what you’re not where you want to be. At least you’re not where you used to be. Don’t let that discourage you, let it encourage you. All that matters is that you’re taking steps forward, so keep moving forward. Be proud of yourself. 

I’m not sure who it was that said that, but I needed it today. I’ve been killing it with my workouts this week and I’ve been tracking everything in WW. Even though the scale hasn’t moved, I’m doing what’s best for me. It’s a tough pill to swallow for sure but one that I need to remember. I’m doing everything right and everything in my power to become the person I was meant to be.  

XOXO

Day 4

Ok, this is probably going to be a semi-short post. Mostly because I am absolutely exhausted but have only had one cup of coffee so far. But I want to keep good on my promises to myself and to you that I will post my journey. I’m starting to get the hang of this whole “body love” thing. I’m also gaining tons of support with my journey and finding friends who are along the same path (shout out Maggie!). I did not go to the gym yesterday which was kinda ok cause I’ve been SO FUCKING BUSY that I almost forgot that my birthday is next week.

But that’s not the point of this post. I am vigilant to continue my Emotional Eating journals and keeping track of what I’m eating. I allowed myself to eat some Cheez-It’s yesterday, portioned them out, and I actually felt kinda guilty for eating them. I felt like I was almost sabotaging myself by letting me have them. But I got over that quickly when I reminded myself that it was because I didn’t have any snacks with me and was super hungry. It was much better than binging on M&M’s, which I came so close to doing.

As I said, I did not get a chance to go to the gym or even workout yesterday, which I have been afraid of doing because I’m terrified that I’m going to fall off this path.  But I’m determined this time.

“Dear Body, I love you because…”

Dear Body,

I love you because you have put up with my shit for so long and have been relatively good to me. Aside from the mental health issues and some other health issues, you have been so good to me. You have allowed me to be on this eart, breathing and living, for the last 29 years.

I’ve treated you like crap and I’m so sorry that I did that to you, I hope that you will forgive me and allow to me make it up to you. To nourish you with food that fuels you, rather than feed you shit food that makes you have to work harder.

Is that why I’m so tired all the time? Because I put you through so much and you’ve had to work overtime to keep me alive? I cannot thank you enough for keeping me going. I promise to treat you better, to not talk bad about you, because you have done so much for me.

From this point on, I am going to treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. Because I want us to be together for a very, very long time.

Love and respect,

Diedre

XOXO

Let me know why you love your body, what do you love about your body? Use the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on instagram or twitter and tag me @realtalkwithdee

Day 3

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I hadn’t taken the time to look at myself in the mirror in a long time. But after my walk/run I went to take a shower. I was devastated by what I saw in the mirror. I have let myself go so far. I know I can get back to where I’m happy with my body but it was truly shocking to see just how bad my belly has gotten. I’m not comfortable posting my “before” pictures on here, but to paint a picture: I’m 5’6″ and I weigh 290lbs, most of my weight is around my midsection which is due in part to my PCOS but also my lack of self-control when it comes to delicious foods. 

I’ve been using MyFitnessPal to stay on track and if I stay on the path I’m on, eating >1,500 calories a day and working out, I will lose an estimated 15lbs in the next 5 weeks. That brings us to the end of May. My goal is to be down to 220lbs in a size 14 pant and large top by the end of the year. It’s not an unrealistic goal for me, that’s 70lbs in 8 months. If I work hard and focus on my body and the food going into it as well as staying on top of my fitness, it can be done. 

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. I’m here for Day 3 of the Emotional Eating Journal. 

“What is your relationship with food like? Write a letter, as if it were a real person.”

Dear Food,

Hey old friend, haven’t talked in a while. I’m writing today to tell you that about my feelings on our relationship and what I hope for it to become. 

I know in the past, you’ve been there for me in my moments of need, but you’ve also beckoned me in my moments of weakness. You know all too well that I turn to you when I’m bored, and you’ve accepted that as your role in my life. Any time I had nothing to do with my hands or mouth, you were there to help me distract me. You struck me worse at this new job, where you called to me every time I walked past you. Telling me that “a few M&M’s won’t kill you, but don’t forget the Cheez-Its” and forcing yourself to keep my mind distracted from my real goals and dreams. 

Eventually you became a routine for me, I had set plan for the foods that I became accustomed to eating. Sometimes they were good choices, but more often than not you lured me in with chocolate and salty snacks. I’m thankful for having you in my life when you’re not trying to sabotage my wishes for my life. I realize not everyone has a friend like you in their life. But I can see how you’ve hurt me in the past and I’m here to tell you that will never happen again. 

I want to continue our friendship but there needs to be some changes. I want to live a long and healthy life but if you keep seducing me with sweets and junk food, it won’t happen. Unfortunately we won’t be seeing much of each other in the way that I know you want. I’m going to be seeing you for healthy, nourishing foods that will help me live long enough to taste the different flavors that you offer. 

I hope that you understand and respect my wishes. 

Thanks for the memories. 

You’re friend,

Diedre

xoxo

What is your relationship with food? Let me know and use the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on twitter or instagram! @realtalkwithdee  

Fitness? Fitin dis pizza in my mouth!

I have struggled with my body image for as long as I can remember. Well that’s a lie, but since I was in about 4th grade. I can remember seeing all the pretty girls getting developed and boys starting to like girls, it was very odd. But it snowballed from there…

By the time I was in 6th grade, I hated my body. I had, what I lovingly referred to as, my spare tire around my mid-section. I was not “fat” anywhere else though, yeah I had a chubby face but I had (and have) normal-ish sized body parts but I had this mid-section that just was…mishappen for lack of a better word. I still have that spare tire, but I have seen it get smaller in the past, but I’ve never seen it go away.

I used to participate in sports when I was younger but I was never very good or what people would call “athletic” by any means. I’ve decided that I will never by a very athletic person and that’s OK! I am happy with what my body can achieve and what it continues to achieve every time that I work out.

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It makes me sad, looking back at photos from middle school and seeing how small I was and thinking about how I thought I was a fatty. I wasn’t the smallest teenager by any means, but that poor body image I had of myself set me up for failure going forward in life.

I wake up almost every day and look at myself in the mirror and hate my body. But it’s something that I’m trying to change and have been trying to change. Like I said above, I am proud of what my body can do and what I know it will be able to do in the future. Because this is something that I’ve been thinking about for a while and I want to share with you now:

It doesn’t matter if you slip and have some candy, or you miss a workout or two. Your body was not achieved in a day and it cannot be destroyed in one day. 

I’m not saying indulge your cravings every day but don’t beat yourself over a minor setback. Take my good friend Kathleen for example: she topped going to the gym and stopped focusing on what was going into her body because she just fell off the tracks for a little bit. But she’s not beating herself up over it or letting it get to her. Because she knows that she has a strong body that is capable of amazing things. And I’m so proud of her for that, she really is such an inspiration to me.

Together, Kathleen and I inspire each other to go to the gym every day and make sure we’re putting real foods into our bodies and praising it for what it is. I try to go to the gym 4-6 days a week for at least 30 mins and I work on strength training and cardio stamina. Kathleen and I have decided to set non-weight related goals each month and this month I’ve chosen to see if I can run/walk a mile in 18 minutes or less. I’ve always loved running but because of my size, its makes it hard. So I’m working my way up to a good run and will achieve my goal by the end of the month.

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So in conclusion (omg, english teachers everywhere are running around with their heads on fire) I just wanted to share with you my journey, its ups and downs and how an why I view my body the way that I do. I appreciate my body for what it can do and I don’t hate it for what it is not.

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-DF