7-9?

(Just a note, this will be an old update so please excuse the present tense verbiage. Also I’m rolling several days into one)

Day 7

Ok, if I thought that yesterday was busy, well shit. Today has been insane. So last night I worked at one rink until about 10:30, drove the 45, I got home, then went to bed. Well I had to be at the other rink by 7:15 this morning to help get ready for the ice show pictures that were happening today- I woke up at 6:45…. Actually I didn’t even wake up, Matt woke me up. Luckily I always put my clothes out the night before, so it wasn’t super crazy. But I did forget to put on a shirt under my sweatshirt. 

So I rushed out the door, half awake, got to the gas station, filled up my tank, and was on my way. I made it there in record time, like, 20 minutes. It’s normally a 30 minute drive so sorry mom if you’re reading this but I did go over the speed limit. 

Anyways, so I get there and it’s like insane. Kids everywhere. Parents doing photo forms. Insanity. But I made it through, I triamphed. Then I rushed to my home rink to hit the gym before work. The night was much smoother than I thought it was going to be and I was able to watch the Steel lose (sad). But they’re not out ion it yet, we’re going to the game on Friday for my birthday!!!

“Review your entries from the past 6 days. What patterns are you noticing?”

Well, I’ll be honest, I’m not going to go re-read all of my old posts. But I can tell you how I felt over the last few days of writing. I know I’ve been depressed. This opening of wounds has been anything but fun. Day by day I am getting better though. With eating cleaner and working out, it has changed my outlook for sure and I know that it will only go up from here. I hit rock bottom and I never want to be back there again. 

Day 8 

Let’s see….so I’m writing this about a day that I was not writing at all so let me see if I can remember what I even did…

Ok I worked at Dottys in the day time! I’m very proud of myself because I have not had any junk food from my work since I started this journey! I’ve walked past the M&Ms more times than I can count and I haven’t had any. I’m so beyond proud of myself. After Dottys I came to the rink to score keep. Now this was my first time a score keeping men’s league since the awful time I had a little while back. It went quite well, no tears. I let myself eat a grilled cheese for dinner that night even though I had taken the time to make dinner earlier in the night. My metabolism must be in overdrive because I am hungry all the time. 

“Describe the last time you had the type of fun that made you smile for a few days.”

If I’m being honest, it’s almost all the time. I’m one of those people who tries to find the fun in everything. Lately I’ve been finding myself smiling a lot more. I attribute that to a lot of things: I have a job that I LOVE, a new healthy lifestyle, great friends, my credit score is going up, and Matt and I are better than ever. 

I have a lot to be happy/thankful for. 

Day 9

Ok so that was yesterday. Monday? Honestly my days are so fucked up from work. Thank GOD for my calendar app on my phone, because without it, I would be lost. 

Monday was ok. It’s been busy as fuck at Dottys and I’m just so over it. I mean, I guess getting tips is nice but at what cost? Luckily I have a good closing partner who makes it all worth it. She was nice enough to come in early so I could head to the other rink to train a little more. So I quickly ran there in the rain that feels like it will never ever end and trained for an hour then came home. I called Matt mom because I hadn’t called her in forever and I felt like such an ass. Then I went to the pharmacy and FINALLY got my meds that have been there for god knows how long. Then I called my mom. 

Her and my dad got me a NutriBullet for my birthday, which isn’t till Friday, but I opened it anyways because I could not wait to use it. I had a smoothie for dinner and then promptly went to bed at 8 pm. I needed to sleep. It was amazing. I didn’t even wake up when Matt got home. 

“What would my ideal day of health look like? What do I need to do to make sure I achieve this daily?”

My ideal day of health would include sleeping in, eating healthy meals, excersicing and then spending time outside with Matt. I would also like it to include some self-care because I think that is necessary for health all around. 

I don’t think it’s an attainable thing for me to have all of that in one day at this point, but I think to get as close to that as possible. I just need to be disciplined with what I do everyday so that down the road, I can have days like that. 

Day 10

And we’re back! Hopefully I won’t have to do catch up posts like this very often, because that was a fucking doozy. Trying to remember what I did yesterday is a very tough thing to do. Because I’m trying to live in a way that the past is the past and I would do well to not dwell in it. 

“Describe 3 triggers in your life that lead to emotional eating.”

I’ve been very hungry today. I don’t know if it’s because I should be starting soon or what but I’m like wanting to eat everything. Even when I’m not hungry. Maybe it’s beacause I didn’t post for a few days and I forgot how big of a role my emotions play in my eating habits. So it’s probably stress and lack of sleep mixed with my elevated metabolism. 

As far as my triggers go, I would posit that stress is high up there on that list. I think because eating takes my mind off of what is going on that I can fall into a binge pretty easily. 

I think boredom is a huge one with me. If I don’t have something to do or think about, or even anyone to talk to, I find myself eating; and 9/10 times, it’s unhealthy food. 

Lastly I would think that one of my triggers is anxiety. Now I know what you’re thinking, “aren’t stress and anxiety the same thing?” Well yes and no. I stress so much sometimes that it brings on anxiety but this is a different kind of anxiety. I have a fear of passing out so I eat all the time to make sure my body is full and the blood surger is normal. But that is add back thing to think because I have never had diabetes and have only ever passed out from pain or dehydration. 

I eat to hide my struggle with mental illness but that is not an excuse. 
What would your responses be to these questions? Let me know using the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on twitter and instagram @realtalkwithdee

Part 2

I’m honestly thinking of making this a segment on my blog, but the lack of traffic has me concerned that I would be shouting to the world wile no one is listening. Which is sort of what I’ve been doing. 

I want to get my take on my mental illness out there. I want to share with the world what my struggle is. I know that sounds like some serious first world problems because there are plenty of people ho have it worse. Although now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t think the term “first world problems” is the right phrase to use any more. Because there are people who live in a “first world” who don’t have the same experience as others. But that’s not what I want to talk about here. Not because its not something that I’m concerned about, because it is, but its not a topic that I feel I have enough knowledge on to write about. 

Mental health, however, is something I feel comfortable discussing; because everyone’s experience is so different that I feel like there is no right or wrong way to go about this. Like what I might feel one day could be one persons high, or my lows could be someone’s rock bottom. The point is, depression and anxiety are horrific beasts that come in all shapes and sizes to fit each person differently. 

My anxiety triggers are different than others and it rears its had diffent each day. For example, today I had a panicked thought: “What happens if my friend falls or gets hurt while her grandson is the only person there with her? Would he run down to our camper because he knows us? Would he know to call 911 in an emergency? What if she locked the camper? Would he know enough to unlock it?” I should point out that this came out of nowhere, like my friend does not have a history of falling, and she is quite young for a grandmother. There was no basis for this panic. And yet it came to me and worked its way into my brain. 

 Often have random, unfounded fears like this. I run panic scenarios in my head, most of the time its things that would never happen in real life. But that’s the way that my anxiety works. It’s a mysterious bitch. However, that’s not the only thing that gives me anxiety. Sometimes it could be too many people, or too much stimulation (i.e. too loud of music/yelling/noises), but sometimes its hits out of nowhere with a wave of anxiety. 

Sometimes its a movie or a show that hits me. It makes me feel something and then I get anxious. I’m sort of a control freak so when I’m not in control of my body or thoughts, I panic. Which is why I don’t drink or do drugs anymore; not that I was ever very heavy into them, I dabbled. My need to be in control is something that I’ve talked to therapists about before, and the only thing I was told was a to try and relax. I guess the shrinks I was seeing are fucking quacks because they of all people should know that it’s very hard to control your emotions when you have mental health issues.

I’ve tried to let go and get loose a couple of times, but it was only very brief AND before my doctor up’d my dosage. On top of that, I’m now on a slew of other medications for my numerous ailments (PCOS, arthritis, chronic back pain, etc.). I basically am the most sober person. Most of my friends see me as a pretty easy going person, to them I’m “chill.” But little do they know that I fight a battle every day to seem normal. I wish it was something that was easy to fix or something that could go away on its own, but it wont. It’s honestly so exhausting to put on my happy face every day and shine like the bright star that I am. So that’s why when I’m down, I’m really down. 

My close friends can always tell when something is wrong. Those are the people that I spend most of my time with. Even some of my coworkers can tell. Because normally, I’m the life of the party- and I don’t mean that to toot my own horn or anything, but its true. I have been the person that can hold groups together, the person who can make anyone feel comfortable. I’ve often thought of the spoon theory when talking about the mask that I put on when I’m with my friends and family. If you don’t know or ave never heard of the spoon theory, I’ll leave a link for you here. Basically, every day you have a set amount of spoons, do the dishes and that’s a spoon, walk the dog and that’s 2. If you run out of spoons you are so wiped out that you can’t even stand it. Sometimes you an borrow them from the next day, but heaven forbid you have something to do the next day and need those spoons. So its sort of like that for me but my amount of spoons changes from day to day. Some days I have an infinite amount of spoons but others I find myself barely holding myself up. Most of the time, its not the physical exhaustion that gets me though, its the mental. 

Being happy ALL THE TIME is fucking draining- I don’t know how normal people do it. If you’re one of those people, please tell me your ways? Or if you’re like me, what do you do when the spoons have all run out but you have a whole list of shit to do. Lets help each other, ok?

xoxo 

My anit-crazy pills and my mental illness

I hate using the word “crazy” but sometimes when it calls for it, there’s not other way to describe it. The worst is when you’re in your therapists office and they ask you how you’ve been feeling, its hard not to say “crazy.” Sometimes I say that I feel chaotic, or my brain is going all helterskelter on my ass. But mostly I tell them that I feel crazy, which always ends with a look of panic from my therapist when I say it for the first time. After that first time though, she understands that I don’t mean crazy in the sense that I’m manic or something, but more like I’m feeling scattered. So I take pills to manage the chaos in my brain.

But it’s not just what my brain feels like that makes me feel this way, it’s the quirks; and let me tell you, they are weird. I mean, I know mine aren’t as odd as some, but to people who don’t deal with someone who has a mental illness on a regular basis its pretty weird. So some friends and some family members might not realize that to me, this is normal.

I sometimes find myself questioning my actions. Like why do I do the crazy things that I do? Like hide my face and think no one can see me and feel instantly safe? When I do this, I think that its to hide my eyes. When I’m feeling anxious, I feel like my eyes will give me away or something. I’m basically trying to hide the crazy. Not that any normal person can tell when I’m feeling this way though. Matt can, he can always tell when I’m feeling off. I guess it’s because we’ve been together so long.

Another thing that I do is chew on the inside on my mouth. Which I guess isn’t all that weird, I’m sure most people do that. I also pick my cuticles, which I guess isn’t that weird at all, I know a lot of people who do that. There are a lot of other weird things that I do that probably don’t seem too weird to other people. So maybe they’re not that weird? Maybe its just being unique?

What was it that Jenny Lawson said about being unique? “Don’t just be some random person. Be the MOST random person.” Meaning we’re all unique and have quirks but if you have the rough ones like mental illness, fucking own it. I guess that’s what I’m working on… 

xoxo

Mild panic

I’m having an anxiety attack as I write this. It came out of no where, like most of them do. There was nothing to trigger this at all.

My day was a normal day, I worked a half at one job to cover for someone then came home to help my neighbors move into their new camper.

Matt and I went for lunch at China House and then went grocery shopping. Everything felt normal. I didn’t have any anxiety all day.

And then we get home and BAM it hits me. As I’m lying in bed. Trying to fix my phone thats been giving me shit the last week.

For some reason, when I’m having an anxiety attack, I don’t want to tell anyone when it’s happening. I just sit in my silence until it passes. This is a very mild version of what has happened in the past and for that I am grateful.

Maybe it’s the stress of always going-going-going?

Maybe its because we’re moving campsites and I’m scared to be closer to the “weekend” sites?

Maybe it’s the fact that it’s been raining all day.

Or maybe its because I realized how over weight I am.

Or maybe its none of those things. Its closer to feeling guilty about something. Like the fact that I’m resting instead of going to the gym (even though I still have a cracked rib). Or because I should be cleaning out my car, even though it’s raining.

Whatever the reason, I knew that I wanted to come on here and talk about it to see if it would help me. And it actually is.

The worst part about having an anxiety attack, aside from being deep in its throws, is afterwards I am exhausted. Its like running a marathon without leaving my bed.

I think I’ll nap now.

xoxo

Guilty as charged

I know a while ago I spoke about the feeling in my gut that I always thought was anxiety. Well I’ve been thinking on it. A lot actually. I’ve always thought it was anxiety. I even talked about it with my therapist. I thought that it was something inside of me that was anxious because I wasn’t doing anything. Because I was stagnant.
Well as it turns out, it’s not anxiety. At least not directly. Every time I have gotten this feeling in the last few weeks, I’ve thought about why I would feel this way. What could be causing it? And I feel stupid for not realizing this until just now. But it’s guilt. I’ve been feeling guilty all these years. Guilty for sleeping in. Guilty for still being in bed at 9am. Guilty for not being dressed at noon.  
I have no idea why. There’s no reason to really be guilty for all of these things. Unless I was late for work or something important. But sometimes I even get that feeling at work or while I’m out doing important things.

I cannot believe it’s taken me this long to figure this out. I have been feeling guilty for over 20 years. For what though? What does an 8 year old have to be guilty about? And I’m not talking like oh I kicked my friend in the shin and I feel guilty. I mean like deep seeded guilt. Like I was guilty for being so happy or comfortable or safe when others don’t have hat luxury. What 8 year old has that thought pattern?!?

Anyways, I just wanted to share this with someone because I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest now that I know the word to call this feeling. It’s like knowing what it is made it lose its power and grasp on me. I beat it and I couldn’t be happier!

-DF

Empty

Empty

It’s an interesting thing to think about. I’ve been feeling empty, but not in the sense that I used to before my medication. I feel bored. As some of my readers may know, I recently had back surgery. It’s left me in a state of helplessness. Although, the strong pain pills are a plus, it’s given me a chance to really think about what I want in life. To fill the emptiness.

I should probably warn my readers, I took a norco about an hour ago. I had PT and regular therapy today so my body and mind are exhausted.

Empty…

My house is becoming more and more empty. Bare I guess would be a better word. We have 8 days left in this house. We don’t have a place to live. We will be homeless. M found a nice trailer on craigslist but the guy hasn’t called us back. We’ve been working tirelessly to get the house packed so that the new owners can move in on time. We have to get a storage unit soon so that we can do something with all our furniture. It’s weird seeing the cabinets so bare.

Empty

As I have been off work, my bank account is slowly becoming more and moe empty. I need to go back to work but my jobs is crap. I don’t want to go back. I only miss the people one friend I have there. My DM is an asshole. The company that bought our company is screwing us all over. I want out but I can’t leave until I get a job. Which I have been feverishly applying for.

Empty

How I wish my mind was. I have so much weighing on me. I have so much that I need to do that it keeps running around in my head. I can’t make it quiet. I wish I had my ecig back. I miss it. I should have kicked the cravings by now, its been over a month since I had any nicotine and a few weeks since I puffed on the zero nicotine stuff. Even when there was no nicotine, I still felt the relief. I thought it only too 7 days to break a habit?

Empty

Something that I don’t feel as often anymore, a feeling that I am greatful has left me. I am grateful for my medication that keeps the darkness away. I’m happy to announce to those who have been following, I finally saw a psychiatrist and he changed my dosage so fingers crossed I’ll be feeling less panicky very soon! I appreciate all the support I have been receiving, both in my real life (those people don’t read this, I still want to keep this private from them) and the people online that I have met through various social networks. It means a lot to have people in my corner rooting for me.

So I guess I’m not all that empty after all!

-DF

Pain

(Edit: Looking back on this post after I made it, I realized that “Pain” was probably not the best title lol)

I’ve always been really good at dealing with pain, but my back just started hurting again and I’m feeling mizzzz.

I know the doctor said that there will be good days and bad days, but today was a good day until just like less than an hour ago.
The worst part is though, I’m so anxious to do something…

Last night was super fun though!

And I think that’s why I’m going stir crazy today. And I even took medicine for the anxiety!

Last night my family and M and I went to play BINGO at the local Elks. We didn’t win any money but it was so much fun.

But today went a little different…

I lost my cool a few times and it was the wake up call that I needed to actually call to make an appointment to talk to someone. So now I have an appointment on Monday to hopefully make progress towards my getting my head better.

I’ve been reading Furiously Happy on my Kindle app and it’s really helping. If you have any mental health issues, and can read,  please buy this. Or even if you can’t read, use an audio book. Its so good. I had to excuse myself from the bedroom the other night M had to kick me out of the bedroom the other night because I couldn’t stop laughing while he was trying to watch Preacher. (PS- has anyone watched that show? It’s weird AF…)

Anyyyywaaayyyyy

I just wanted to get a quick post in today. Now that I’m less bedridden, I’m finding it harder to get posts in. But I’m trying, I promise! I think once the move is done then I might have some more down time. At least before I go back to work!

Happy Friday my lovelies, I think I’m headed to a penny slot place in town!

-DF