Well that was sad

I obviously did not finish my emotional eating journal, but I t’s not because I gave up! I discovered something interesting about myself on that journey that will stick with me forever. I don’t use food to curb my emotions, I use it to calm my anxiety. My relationship with food has been a tumultuous one but not because I eat when I’m sad- I eat when I’m anxious. If I feel myself getting anxious, I sometimes confuse it with low blood sugar and start wolfing down whatever I can. Same with if I feel a headache coming on, I get anxious about having a migraine and I start eating because for whatever reason my brain thinks that eating will stop a migraine. 

Since my break from writing, I’ve done a lot of self-discovery. I found that I work better when I have a plan in mind and that I need motivation to get anything done. I started Weight Watchers recently and I know it’s what’s right for me. I’ve done it in the past and had great success, but I’m not a kid anymore like I was when I first tried it. It’s going to take some work. I’ve found inspiration in seeing Matt’s cousin, Maimee, and her husband. In the last two years, they have lost a total of 130 pounds and are in a good place spiritually. They follow WW and workout every single day, but they also don’t restrict themselves from having fun. They have found the perfect balance and I am so envious. I cannot wait to get to that point in my journey. 

I’ve joined a Facebook group dedicated to helping people find inspiration and tips/tricks to lose weight and gain confidence. Those people are so encouraging and motivating that it’s insane. I have found my people for this new lifestyle. 

I know it may seem like I’m bouncing from fad diet to fad diet faster than most people change their underwear, but that’s part of the plan; you have to find what works for you and that takes time and exploration of what is out there. 

I hope that one day I can inspire someone as much as Maimee and Jesse have influenced me. 

But for now, I want to share a drink that Maimee told me about and I have been OBSESSED with ever since. It’s only 2 points on WW and tastes better than any other drink you could imagine getting at Starbucks (minus the Pink Drink which is amazing). I don’t have a name for it, but I have it saved in my WW app as “Protein Iced Coffee” because it is packed with 30g of protein to keep you feeling full and satisfied for hours. That, coupled with the espresso, make it my favorite drink. 


Protein Iced Coffee

  • 2 espresso shots (Starbucks or otherwise) in a large cup filled with ice
  • Your favorite flavor of Premier Protein. (Mine is Vanilla)
  • Optional: sugar free flavor shot

Once you have your espresso in the cup with ice, make sure you add more ice to your liking. I prefer all the ice, I love cold drinks. Then add the Premier Protein shake of your choice and boom, you have a delicious and nutritious coffee drink for only $2 and 2 WW points! 

What is your favorite WW recipe? Let me know on twitter or instagram @realtalkwithdee and use the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney

XOXO

Day 11

Woof. I am hungry. I am tired. I am feeling so full of life. Wait, what? How can I be tired and full of life, you ask? Well I have been on this journey for 11 days and I can just feel the life coming back into my body. I know today I haven’t been as chipper as I normally am, but I think that’s gotta be hormonal or something. 

I’m stoked to be getting back into the gym today after work after being out since Saturday. I didn’t work out at all the last two days out of sheer exhaustion but I’m going back strong today. And I’m going to go to the step class again tomorrow night. I still haven’t charged my Fitbit which is extremely frustrating. Now that I’ve gotten my body used to what I’m doing to it, I want to work on my calorie burn vs calorie intake. Essentially, the better that ratio, the faster you get in shape. So I’m curious to see if that happens. 

I’m not trying to push myself or burn myself out though, but I need to see results so I don’t get discouraged. And that’s just because of who I am. But on the plus side, I can tell a difference physically already. It’s probably all in my head and I’m getting cocky af about it but whatever it is, its driving me forward. 

“Are your expectations for yourself too high or too low?”

I think I have too high of expectations for sure. I’ve always been obnoxiously cocky. I’m very full of myself but mostly in jest. But I do have high expectations for myself. Because I know I can do this. I have to. 

It’s one thing to say that though and another thing to actually follow through. I will. 

Will you? Let me know using the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on twitter and instagram @realtalkwithdee

XOXO

7-9?

(Just a note, this will be an old update so please excuse the present tense verbiage. Also I’m rolling several days into one)

Day 7

Ok, if I thought that yesterday was busy, well shit. Today has been insane. So last night I worked at one rink until about 10:30, drove the 45, I got home, then went to bed. Well I had to be at the other rink by 7:15 this morning to help get ready for the ice show pictures that were happening today- I woke up at 6:45…. Actually I didn’t even wake up, Matt woke me up. Luckily I always put my clothes out the night before, so it wasn’t super crazy. But I did forget to put on a shirt under my sweatshirt. 

So I rushed out the door, half awake, got to the gas station, filled up my tank, and was on my way. I made it there in record time, like, 20 minutes. It’s normally a 30 minute drive so sorry mom if you’re reading this but I did go over the speed limit. 

Anyways, so I get there and it’s like insane. Kids everywhere. Parents doing photo forms. Insanity. But I made it through, I triamphed. Then I rushed to my home rink to hit the gym before work. The night was much smoother than I thought it was going to be and I was able to watch the Steel lose (sad). But they’re not out ion it yet, we’re going to the game on Friday for my birthday!!!

“Review your entries from the past 6 days. What patterns are you noticing?”

Well, I’ll be honest, I’m not going to go re-read all of my old posts. But I can tell you how I felt over the last few days of writing. I know I’ve been depressed. This opening of wounds has been anything but fun. Day by day I am getting better though. With eating cleaner and working out, it has changed my outlook for sure and I know that it will only go up from here. I hit rock bottom and I never want to be back there again. 

Day 8 

Let’s see….so I’m writing this about a day that I was not writing at all so let me see if I can remember what I even did…

Ok I worked at Dottys in the day time! I’m very proud of myself because I have not had any junk food from my work since I started this journey! I’ve walked past the M&Ms more times than I can count and I haven’t had any. I’m so beyond proud of myself. After Dottys I came to the rink to score keep. Now this was my first time a score keeping men’s league since the awful time I had a little while back. It went quite well, no tears. I let myself eat a grilled cheese for dinner that night even though I had taken the time to make dinner earlier in the night. My metabolism must be in overdrive because I am hungry all the time. 

“Describe the last time you had the type of fun that made you smile for a few days.”

If I’m being honest, it’s almost all the time. I’m one of those people who tries to find the fun in everything. Lately I’ve been finding myself smiling a lot more. I attribute that to a lot of things: I have a job that I LOVE, a new healthy lifestyle, great friends, my credit score is going up, and Matt and I are better than ever. 

I have a lot to be happy/thankful for. 

Day 9

Ok so that was yesterday. Monday? Honestly my days are so fucked up from work. Thank GOD for my calendar app on my phone, because without it, I would be lost. 

Monday was ok. It’s been busy as fuck at Dottys and I’m just so over it. I mean, I guess getting tips is nice but at what cost? Luckily I have a good closing partner who makes it all worth it. She was nice enough to come in early so I could head to the other rink to train a little more. So I quickly ran there in the rain that feels like it will never ever end and trained for an hour then came home. I called Matt mom because I hadn’t called her in forever and I felt like such an ass. Then I went to the pharmacy and FINALLY got my meds that have been there for god knows how long. Then I called my mom. 

Her and my dad got me a NutriBullet for my birthday, which isn’t till Friday, but I opened it anyways because I could not wait to use it. I had a smoothie for dinner and then promptly went to bed at 8 pm. I needed to sleep. It was amazing. I didn’t even wake up when Matt got home. 

“What would my ideal day of health look like? What do I need to do to make sure I achieve this daily?”

My ideal day of health would include sleeping in, eating healthy meals, excersicing and then spending time outside with Matt. I would also like it to include some self-care because I think that is necessary for health all around. 

I don’t think it’s an attainable thing for me to have all of that in one day at this point, but I think to get as close to that as possible. I just need to be disciplined with what I do everyday so that down the road, I can have days like that. 

Day 10

And we’re back! Hopefully I won’t have to do catch up posts like this very often, because that was a fucking doozy. Trying to remember what I did yesterday is a very tough thing to do. Because I’m trying to live in a way that the past is the past and I would do well to not dwell in it. 

“Describe 3 triggers in your life that lead to emotional eating.”

I’ve been very hungry today. I don’t know if it’s because I should be starting soon or what but I’m like wanting to eat everything. Even when I’m not hungry. Maybe it’s beacause I didn’t post for a few days and I forgot how big of a role my emotions play in my eating habits. So it’s probably stress and lack of sleep mixed with my elevated metabolism. 

As far as my triggers go, I would posit that stress is high up there on that list. I think because eating takes my mind off of what is going on that I can fall into a binge pretty easily. 

I think boredom is a huge one with me. If I don’t have something to do or think about, or even anyone to talk to, I find myself eating; and 9/10 times, it’s unhealthy food. 

Lastly I would think that one of my triggers is anxiety. Now I know what you’re thinking, “aren’t stress and anxiety the same thing?” Well yes and no. I stress so much sometimes that it brings on anxiety but this is a different kind of anxiety. I have a fear of passing out so I eat all the time to make sure my body is full and the blood surger is normal. But that is add back thing to think because I have never had diabetes and have only ever passed out from pain or dehydration. 

I eat to hide my struggle with mental illness but that is not an excuse. 
What would your responses be to these questions? Let me know using the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on twitter and instagram @realtalkwithdee

Day 6

Wow, today has been a fantastic day. I slept in, I walked to get breakfast with Matt, got paid, got groceries, and did laundry! It has been a productive day, even considering I got called in to scorekeep a game. I was so stoked to sleep in today, plus I had the bed to myself, so I took full advantage. I really needed it. 

I went to a step class last night and OH MY FUCK did it kick my ass! I was the youngest person in that room by at least 15 years and I could not keep up! If my calculations are correct, I burned about 800 calories. I mean, I can’t even describe how intense it was. Non-stop and just cardio and strength at the same time. It was crazy. I’m glad I did it thought and I will be going back again next week. 

The last few days I’ve been pretty upset with life and shit has been stressful, but today changed that all around. I ate healthy today, got a little walk in, rested, and worked. I’m happy. I’m posting this a little later than I usually would have liked to but because of my crazy schedule, it had to be late. Tomorrow’s will also be a late one because I’m working at both rinks and watching Matt coach his little kids. 

I want to get into today’s journal challenge because I’m very excited to talk about this. Maybe excited isn’t the right word though, I’m gonna go with eager. It’s a very personal and emotional post. 

“When I look in the mirror at myself, I feel ________ because _____”

Woof, this is a loaded statement. When I look in the mirror at myself I feel disgust, I feel shame, and mostly I feel disappointed. That’s what I feel most days. I feel like that because I let myself go. I haven’t taken care of myself. I’ve eaten like shit. I haven’t worked out. I don’t do enough self-care, I get depressed and don’t follow basic hygiene. 

But there are some days, like last night, that I look at myself and see progress, hope, and beauty. I see strength in myself, I am working on change. I can see and feel change in myself already and that motivates me to continue. 

Sometimes, not often, but sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror though I see ugly. It’s not often that I feel ugly, but there are for sure days when I see my reflection and I think I just look like dogshit. Mostly those day are when I wake up, bags under my eyes, no makeup and I think I look like a boy. I’ve always had more masculine features and a deep voice. I’ve been called sir more times in my life than I’ve been called ma’am. That shit never really bothers me until those random days. Those are the days that make me so angry. Because I know I’m beautiful in my own way, everyone is. But those days test my self-love. 

XOXO

What do you see when you look in the mirror? How do you feel? Let me know using the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on twitter and instagram @realtalkwithdee

Day 5

Am so impressed by what my body can do. I went to the gym after work yesterday and did a full workout without stopping.

I walked, I ran, I planked; it was amazing.

I still got discouraged when I looked at myself in the mirror before my shower, but knowing that I’m making these changes got me through it. I know its going to take a while before I start seeing physical changes in my body size but I’m so stoked for those changes to happen that I don’t want to do anything to fuck this up. I am determined to not fuck up this time.

I’m still ashamed that Ive gotten here and that I had a worry that a size 20 pant wasn’t going to fit me. And the thing about the pants in question is that if they weren’t such high-rise pants, they would not fit me. I let myself go really bad.. I. Think. The size of our camper, the rough winter, and my lack of motivation and self-control led to the place that I am now. Since 2013, I’ve gained 90 pounds. When Matt and I first started dating, I was in fantastic shape. I still had a pooch but I was VERY active. I look back and wish that I hadn’t gotten hurt and let it take me down the self-destructive path that I’ve been on.

But, as always, that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. I’m happy that I’m able to continue doing these posts, because they help me to get in tune with my struggle and also they help others who may not be able to focus on their issues or think they are alone.

“List 10 things tat you are grateful for today.”

1. First of all, I’m grateful that I am alive and well. I get to wake up in a safe place with the love of my life by my side and eat food. I don’t fear for my life (other than my weird anxieties and irrational fears). I have a roof over my head and I’m alive.

2. For friends and family that support me no matter what, I have such a great network of humans. People that support me, like Matt, my family, and my close friends here. That’s what life is all about.

3. For both my jobs even though one drives me crazy, the rink is the perfect job. I love what I do, I love the people I work with on a daily basis and that I get to spend time in a hockey rink.

4. The weather is starting to become warm again and with that comes thunderstorms, which I love. I don’t love driving in them but I love them so much. They make me happy.

5. Water. Since I started this journey, I have been drinking sooo muuuuch waterrrrrr. There’s one of those amazing water fountains that fills up water bottles, here at the rink. Those are my favorite kinds. 

6. That I have a gym to go to. Yes, I love walking/running outside, but on the days when its shitty out (today!) its nice to have a warm, dry place to workout. Plus it’s nice that its on the second floor of one of my jobs.

7. Pod Save America. This podcast…words cant even describe how amazing it is. It’s all about the US political shit that’s going on right now.

8. Coffee. Oh coffee, I have been working so so much and coffee has been one of the only things keeping me going.

9. My fidget spinner. If you’re like me, then you are constantly worrying, I’m one of those people who fidget almost all the time. But with the spinner, I find myself doing less weird/annoying/self destructive things. It also helps a lot with my anxiety.

10. My kindle. I consider myself to be an avid reader. It helps pass the time at both jobs and keeps my mind working. I’m currently re-reading the HP series, and its bringing back some serious memories!

It’s taken me almost 4 hours to compete this list. 1) because my boss keeps coming around and 2) this was a really hard challenge. It’s not that I don’t have a lot to be grateful for, but putting it into words was very hard for me. I find myself floating from day to day without really appreciating the things that I have. This challenge really helped me realize what is important to me and what I might be able to cut out of my daily routine.

XOXO

What are your grateful for? Let me know by using the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney and tag me on twitter and instagram @realtalkwithdee

Day 4

Ok, this is probably going to be a semi-short post. Mostly because I am absolutely exhausted but have only had one cup of coffee so far. But I want to keep good on my promises to myself and to you that I will post my journey. I’m starting to get the hang of this whole “body love” thing. I’m also gaining tons of support with my journey and finding friends who are along the same path (shout out Maggie!). I did not go to the gym yesterday which was kinda ok cause I’ve been SO FUCKING BUSY that I almost forgot that my birthday is next week.

But that’s not the point of this post. I am vigilant to continue my Emotional Eating journals and keeping track of what I’m eating. I allowed myself to eat some Cheez-It’s yesterday, portioned them out, and I actually felt kinda guilty for eating them. I felt like I was almost sabotaging myself by letting me have them. But I got over that quickly when I reminded myself that it was because I didn’t have any snacks with me and was super hungry. It was much better than binging on M&M’s, which I came so close to doing.

As I said, I did not get a chance to go to the gym or even workout yesterday, which I have been afraid of doing because I’m terrified that I’m going to fall off this path.  But I’m determined this time.

“Dear Body, I love you because…”

Dear Body,

I love you because you have put up with my shit for so long and have been relatively good to me. Aside from the mental health issues and some other health issues, you have been so good to me. You have allowed me to be on this eart, breathing and living, for the last 29 years.

I’ve treated you like crap and I’m so sorry that I did that to you, I hope that you will forgive me and allow to me make it up to you. To nourish you with food that fuels you, rather than feed you shit food that makes you have to work harder.

Is that why I’m so tired all the time? Because I put you through so much and you’ve had to work overtime to keep me alive? I cannot thank you enough for keeping me going. I promise to treat you better, to not talk bad about you, because you have done so much for me.

From this point on, I am going to treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. Because I want us to be together for a very, very long time.

Love and respect,

Diedre

XOXO

Let me know why you love your body, what do you love about your body? Use the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on instagram or twitter and tag me @realtalkwithdee

Day 3

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I hadn’t taken the time to look at myself in the mirror in a long time. But after my walk/run I went to take a shower. I was devastated by what I saw in the mirror. I have let myself go so far. I know I can get back to where I’m happy with my body but it was truly shocking to see just how bad my belly has gotten. I’m not comfortable posting my “before” pictures on here, but to paint a picture: I’m 5’6″ and I weigh 290lbs, most of my weight is around my midsection which is due in part to my PCOS but also my lack of self-control when it comes to delicious foods. 

I’ve been using MyFitnessPal to stay on track and if I stay on the path I’m on, eating >1,500 calories a day and working out, I will lose an estimated 15lbs in the next 5 weeks. That brings us to the end of May. My goal is to be down to 220lbs in a size 14 pant and large top by the end of the year. It’s not an unrealistic goal for me, that’s 70lbs in 8 months. If I work hard and focus on my body and the food going into it as well as staying on top of my fitness, it can be done. 

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. I’m here for Day 3 of the Emotional Eating Journal. 

“What is your relationship with food like? Write a letter, as if it were a real person.”

Dear Food,

Hey old friend, haven’t talked in a while. I’m writing today to tell you that about my feelings on our relationship and what I hope for it to become. 

I know in the past, you’ve been there for me in my moments of need, but you’ve also beckoned me in my moments of weakness. You know all too well that I turn to you when I’m bored, and you’ve accepted that as your role in my life. Any time I had nothing to do with my hands or mouth, you were there to help me distract me. You struck me worse at this new job, where you called to me every time I walked past you. Telling me that “a few M&M’s won’t kill you, but don’t forget the Cheez-Its” and forcing yourself to keep my mind distracted from my real goals and dreams. 

Eventually you became a routine for me, I had set plan for the foods that I became accustomed to eating. Sometimes they were good choices, but more often than not you lured me in with chocolate and salty snacks. I’m thankful for having you in my life when you’re not trying to sabotage my wishes for my life. I realize not everyone has a friend like you in their life. But I can see how you’ve hurt me in the past and I’m here to tell you that will never happen again. 

I want to continue our friendship but there needs to be some changes. I want to live a long and healthy life but if you keep seducing me with sweets and junk food, it won’t happen. Unfortunately we won’t be seeing much of each other in the way that I know you want. I’m going to be seeing you for healthy, nourishing foods that will help me live long enough to taste the different flavors that you offer. 

I hope that you understand and respect my wishes. 

Thanks for the memories. 

You’re friend,

Diedre

xoxo

What is your relationship with food? Let me know and use the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on twitter or instagram! @realtalkwithdee