via Daily Prompt: Cheat
Ugh, this one hits home for me. I’ve been trying to eat healthy the last few weeks and that was going pretty good considering that my job has complimentary snacks and FANTASTIC cheeseburgers. But I let that all slip the last two days. I guess calling them Cheat Days* is a bit far fetched though. They were more like IDGAF days.
I’ll be honest, today’s bad eating was my fault for sure; I slept way too late and didn’t pack my lunch last night. That’s on me. But on Saturday…boy was I tired and just didn’t have the energy. Friday after work we went to the gym then Corn Fest (can you tell I live in the Midwest?) to meet up with some friends we hadn’t seen since May. That led to us going to a party and staying out until like 1am leaving me with no sleep and no time to prep.
I’ve dealt with hating my body and feeling fat almost all of my life. It wasn’t until recently (around Jan 2015) that I really started to care about myself and as I started getting better, I started understanding that I am a strong woman who has the potential to live a long healthy life. But I need to work for it.
Some people are blessed, but most people are like me- they need to work for that healthy body. I’m not ashamed of my body or what it can do, until I have days like this. Days where I “fell off the wagon.” My plan was to go to the gym after work but all of my gym clothes are covered in sweat and have been sitting in the laundry bag for a few days so here I am.
But tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start. I need to get my head back in it. I love the physical aspect of being healthy, its the food that can be trying. Mostly it’s the fact that M&M’s stare at me all day when I’m at work.
I did accomplish one thing though- I registered (last minute, school starts tomorrow) for a US History class at my Community College. I’m officially a sophomore in college!!!!
*In the future, I will not allow myself to have whole days of cheats, I will limit it to a meal or food item. They are necessary for sanity for sure, but until I can get my body goals met, I will not allow myself a whole day of indulgence.
Before I start, I want to apologize if this post is a bit scattered. I’m having a tough day today but I wanted to get at least one post done and out because it’s been like a thousand years since I posted anything.
via Daily Prompt: Learning
I know this a dead horse that I won’t stop beating but I think it’s something that is interesting to talk about…Getting older means learning new things. It means learning what it is that you really like. And learning what you really don’t like.
I used to like extravagant things. I used to live a decadent life. I was so dumb when I was younger. I used to not care about things like money and I cared more about my clothes and what I looked like and what food I ate. I would spend dumb amounts of money on stupid shit. I hate my younger self for that. Growing up means learning.
Now I like the less extravagant. I prefer relaxing nights in rather than going to a bar or a dubstep show. I would rather not wear makeup than spend hours in front of the mirror doing my hair and makeup.
I’ve learned that I really like fishing, reading books and going to the gym. When I was younger, like in my teens, things like that did not excite me. I liked spending stupid money on going to LA every other weekend and getting drunk.
But growing up means learning. Learningn that being an adult is not all about frivilous spending and binge drinking. It’s about quality over quantity. It doesnt matter that you have 10,000 friends on Facebook or how many likes you got on your Instagram photo. It’s that quality of your life. Fuck everything else, if you’re not living the life you want to, then grow up and get your shit together and notice what makes you really happy.
Growing up means learning.
Learning is growing up.
Right now, you would think my life is carefree. I haven’t been to work in almost 2 months and I’ve been living in a campground for the last few weeks. It is pretty nice not having any real responsibilities (I have a commitment to post at least once a day for you guys) but it’s far from carefree.
I guess in comparison to other people who work all the time and have like a family and shit, my life is “carefree” but to me – not so much. I have so much that I need to worry about: money, school, work, bills, etc.
Everyday, I get up and stress about what I’m doing that day. Most days we run errands (having a small fridge means we grocery shop more) and go somewhere that has wifi and spend a while there. Some days I have doctors appointments, some days I have nothing. The last two days I’ve actually been under the weather so I haven’t really done much. Plus we’re in a severe heat warning or something like that. It’s like 92 out but feels like 115.
Everyday I stress about when I’m going to go back to work. I’ve been applying to jobs like crazy even though I’m not really allowed to go back to work until mid-August. I haven’t gotten a paycheck in almost a month. I don’t want to complain about that too much because I have a lot of support, and a lot of people are weird about money. I’ve never had a problem talking about money, but that’s just me.
Like I said before, compared to other people that I do have a more carefree life. I get to go fishing pretty much whenever I want. I can nap anytime of the day. I don’t have to be asleep or awake at any particular time. I have started 4 books and finished 2 books in less than 2 weeks (one I finished in less than 24 hours). And finally, I don’t have to work.
Wow, I really sound like I’m trying to rub this all in, I swear I’m not. And now that I’m looking back at that list, maybe I am living carefree…?
I think I need to lay down…lol (oh my god I did it again…)
Edit: Sorry for being all over the place in this post. I think I’m trying to make up for not being really present that much this week but I’m trying too hard. I think I’m gonna take the next few days off unless I feel better soon.
It’s an interesting thing to think about. I’ve been feeling empty, but not in the sense that I used to before my medication. I feel bored. As some of my readers may know, I recently had back surgery. It’s left me in a state of helplessness. Although, the strong pain pills are a plus, it’s given me a chance to really think about what I want in life. To fill the emptiness.
I should probably warn my readers, I took a norco about an hour ago. I had PT and regular therapy today so my body and mind are exhausted.
My house is becoming more and more empty. Bare I guess would be a better word. We have 8 days left in this house. We don’t have a place to live. We will be homeless. M found a nice trailer on craigslist but the guy hasn’t called us back. We’ve been working tirelessly to get the house packed so that the new owners can move in on time. We have to get a storage unit soon so that we can do something with all our furniture. It’s weird seeing the cabinets so bare.
As I have been off work, my bank account is slowly becoming more and moe empty. I need to go back to work but my jobs is crap. I don’t want to go back. I only miss the
people one friend I have there. My DM is an asshole. The company that bought our company is screwing us all over. I want out but I can’t leave until I get a job. Which I have been feverishly applying for.
How I wish my mind was. I have so much weighing on me. I have so much that I need to do that it keeps running around in my head. I can’t make it quiet. I wish I had my ecig back. I miss it. I should have kicked the cravings by now, its been over a month since I had any nicotine and a few weeks since I puffed on the zero nicotine stuff. Even when there was no nicotine, I still felt the relief. I thought it only too 7 days to break a habit?
Something that I don’t feel as often anymore, a feeling that I am greatful has left me. I am grateful for my medication that keeps the darkness away. I’m happy to announce to those who have been following, I finally saw a psychiatrist and he changed my dosage so fingers crossed I’ll be feeling less panicky very soon! I appreciate all the support I have been receiving, both in my real life (those people don’t read this, I still want to keep this private from them) and the people online that I have met through various social networks. It means a lot to have people in my corner rooting for me.
So I guess I’m not all that empty after all!