Day 6

Wow, today has been a fantastic day. I slept in, I walked to get breakfast with Matt, got paid, got groceries, and did laundry! It has been a productive day, even considering I got called in to scorekeep a game. I was so stoked to sleep in today, plus I had the bed to myself, so I took full advantage. I really needed it. 

I went to a step class last night and OH MY FUCK did it kick my ass! I was the youngest person in that room by at least 15 years and I could not keep up! If my calculations are correct, I burned about 800 calories. I mean, I can’t even describe how intense it was. Non-stop and just cardio and strength at the same time. It was crazy. I’m glad I did it thought and I will be going back again next week. 

The last few days I’ve been pretty upset with life and shit has been stressful, but today changed that all around. I ate healthy today, got a little walk in, rested, and worked. I’m happy. I’m posting this a little later than I usually would have liked to but because of my crazy schedule, it had to be late. Tomorrow’s will also be a late one because I’m working at both rinks and watching Matt coach his little kids. 

I want to get into today’s journal challenge because I’m very excited to talk about this. Maybe excited isn’t the right word though, I’m gonna go with eager. It’s a very personal and emotional post. 

“When I look in the mirror at myself, I feel ________ because _____”

Woof, this is a loaded statement. When I look in the mirror at myself I feel disgust, I feel shame, and mostly I feel disappointed. That’s what I feel most days. I feel like that because I let myself go. I haven’t taken care of myself. I’ve eaten like shit. I haven’t worked out. I don’t do enough self-care, I get depressed and don’t follow basic hygiene. 

But there are some days, like last night, that I look at myself and see progress, hope, and beauty. I see strength in myself, I am working on change. I can see and feel change in myself already and that motivates me to continue. 

Sometimes, not often, but sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror though I see ugly. It’s not often that I feel ugly, but there are for sure days when I see my reflection and I think I just look like dogshit. Mostly those day are when I wake up, bags under my eyes, no makeup and I think I look like a boy. I’ve always had more masculine features and a deep voice. I’ve been called sir more times in my life than I’ve been called ma’am. That shit never really bothers me until those random days. Those are the days that make me so angry. Because I know I’m beautiful in my own way, everyone is. But those days test my self-love. 

XOXO

What do you see when you look in the mirror? How do you feel? Let me know using the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on twitter and instagram @realtalkwithdee

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