Day 5

Am so impressed by what my body can do. I went to the gym after work yesterday and did a full workout without stopping.

I walked, I ran, I planked; it was amazing.

I still got discouraged when I looked at myself in the mirror before my shower, but knowing that I’m making these changes got me through it. I know its going to take a while before I start seeing physical changes in my body size but I’m so stoked for those changes to happen that I don’t want to do anything to fuck this up. I am determined to not fuck up this time.

I’m still ashamed that Ive gotten here and that I had a worry that a size 20 pant wasn’t going to fit me. And the thing about the pants in question is that if they weren’t such high-rise pants, they would not fit me. I let myself go really bad.. I. Think. The size of our camper, the rough winter, and my lack of motivation and self-control led to the place that I am now. Since 2013, I’ve gained 90 pounds. When Matt and I first started dating, I was in fantastic shape. I still had a pooch but I was VERY active. I look back and wish that I hadn’t gotten hurt and let it take me down the self-destructive path that I’ve been on.

But, as always, that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. I’m happy that I’m able to continue doing these posts, because they help me to get in tune with my struggle and also they help others who may not be able to focus on their issues or think they are alone.

“List 10 things tat you are grateful for today.”

1. First of all, I’m grateful that I am alive and well. I get to wake up in a safe place with the love of my life by my side and eat food. I don’t fear for my life (other than my weird anxieties and irrational fears). I have a roof over my head and I’m alive.

2. For friends and family that support me no matter what, I have such a great network of humans. People that support me, like Matt, my family, and my close friends here. That’s what life is all about.

3. For both my jobs even though one drives me crazy, the rink is the perfect job. I love what I do, I love the people I work with on a daily basis and that I get to spend time in a hockey rink.

4. The weather is starting to become warm again and with that comes thunderstorms, which I love. I don’t love driving in them but I love them so much. They make me happy.

5. Water. Since I started this journey, I have been drinking sooo muuuuch waterrrrrr. There’s one of those amazing water fountains that fills up water bottles, here at the rink. Those are my favorite kinds. 

6. That I have a gym to go to. Yes, I love walking/running outside, but on the days when its shitty out (today!) its nice to have a warm, dry place to workout. Plus it’s nice that its on the second floor of one of my jobs.

7. Pod Save America. This podcast…words cant even describe how amazing it is. It’s all about the US political shit that’s going on right now.

8. Coffee. Oh coffee, I have been working so so much and coffee has been one of the only things keeping me going.

9. My fidget spinner. If you’re like me, then you are constantly worrying, I’m one of those people who fidget almost all the time. But with the spinner, I find myself doing less weird/annoying/self destructive things. It also helps a lot with my anxiety.

10. My kindle. I consider myself to be an avid reader. It helps pass the time at both jobs and keeps my mind working. I’m currently re-reading the HP series, and its bringing back some serious memories!

It’s taken me almost 4 hours to compete this list. 1) because my boss keeps coming around and 2) this was a really hard challenge. It’s not that I don’t have a lot to be grateful for, but putting it into words was very hard for me. I find myself floating from day to day without really appreciating the things that I have. This challenge really helped me realize what is important to me and what I might be able to cut out of my daily routine.

XOXO

What are your grateful for? Let me know by using the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney and tag me on twitter and instagram @realtalkwithdee

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