I hate using the word “crazy” but sometimes when it calls for it, there’s not other way to describe it. The worst is when you’re in your therapists office and they ask you how you’ve been feeling, its hard not to say “crazy.” Sometimes I say that I feel chaotic, or my brain is going all helterskelter on my ass. But mostly I tell them that I feel crazy, which always ends with a look of panic from my therapist when I say it for the first time. After that first time though, she understands that I don’t mean crazy in the sense that I’m manic or something, but more like I’m feeling scattered. So I take pills to manage the chaos in my brain.
But it’s not just what my brain feels like that makes me feel this way, it’s the quirks; and let me tell you, they are weird. I mean, I know mine aren’t as odd as some, but to people who don’t deal with someone who has a mental illness on a regular basis its pretty weird. So some friends and some family members might not realize that to me, this is normal.
I sometimes find myself questioning my actions. Like why do I do the crazy things that I do? Like hide my face and think no one can see me and feel instantly safe? When I do this, I think that its to hide my eyes. When I’m feeling anxious, I feel like my eyes will give me away or something. I’m basically trying to hide the crazy. Not that any normal person can tell when I’m feeling this way though. Matt can, he can always tell when I’m feeling off. I guess it’s because we’ve been together so long.
Another thing that I do is chew on the inside on my mouth. Which I guess isn’t all that weird, I’m sure most people do that. I also pick my cuticles, which I guess isn’t that weird at all, I know a lot of people who do that. There are a lot of other weird things that I do that probably don’t seem too weird to other people. So maybe they’re not that weird? Maybe its just being unique?
What was it that Jenny Lawson said about being unique? “Don’t just be some random person. Be the MOST random person.” Meaning we’re all unique and have quirks but if you have the rough ones like mental illness, fucking own it. I guess that’s what I’m working on…