Day 6

Wow, today has been a fantastic day. I slept in, I walked to get breakfast with Matt, got paid, got groceries, and did laundry! It has been a productive day, even considering I got called in to scorekeep a game. I was so stoked to sleep in today, plus I had the bed to myself, so I took full advantage. I really needed it. 

I went to a step class last night and OH MY FUCK did it kick my ass! I was the youngest person in that room by at least 15 years and I could not keep up! If my calculations are correct, I burned about 800 calories. I mean, I can’t even describe how intense it was. Non-stop and just cardio and strength at the same time. It was crazy. I’m glad I did it thought and I will be going back again next week. 

The last few days I’ve been pretty upset with life and shit has been stressful, but today changed that all around. I ate healthy today, got a little walk in, rested, and worked. I’m happy. I’m posting this a little later than I usually would have liked to but because of my crazy schedule, it had to be late. Tomorrow’s will also be a late one because I’m working at both rinks and watching Matt coach his little kids. 

I want to get into today’s journal challenge because I’m very excited to talk about this. Maybe excited isn’t the right word though, I’m gonna go with eager. It’s a very personal and emotional post. 

“When I look in the mirror at myself, I feel ________ because _____”

Woof, this is a loaded statement. When I look in the mirror at myself I feel disgust, I feel shame, and mostly I feel disappointed. That’s what I feel most days. I feel like that because I let myself go. I haven’t taken care of myself. I’ve eaten like shit. I haven’t worked out. I don’t do enough self-care, I get depressed and don’t follow basic hygiene. 

But there are some days, like last night, that I look at myself and see progress, hope, and beauty. I see strength in myself, I am working on change. I can see and feel change in myself already and that motivates me to continue. 

Sometimes, not often, but sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror though I see ugly. It’s not often that I feel ugly, but there are for sure days when I see my reflection and I think I just look like dogshit. Mostly those day are when I wake up, bags under my eyes, no makeup and I think I look like a boy. I’ve always had more masculine features and a deep voice. I’ve been called sir more times in my life than I’ve been called ma’am. That shit never really bothers me until those random days. Those are the days that make me so angry. Because I know I’m beautiful in my own way, everyone is. But those days test my self-love. 

XOXO

What do you see when you look in the mirror? How do you feel? Let me know using the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on twitter and instagram @realtalkwithdee

Day 5

Am so impressed by what my body can do. I went to the gym after work yesterday and did a full workout without stopping.

I walked, I ran, I planked; it was amazing.

I still got discouraged when I looked at myself in the mirror before my shower, but knowing that I’m making these changes got me through it. I know its going to take a while before I start seeing physical changes in my body size but I’m so stoked for those changes to happen that I don’t want to do anything to fuck this up. I am determined to not fuck up this time.

I’m still ashamed that Ive gotten here and that I had a worry that a size 20 pant wasn’t going to fit me. And the thing about the pants in question is that if they weren’t such high-rise pants, they would not fit me. I let myself go really bad.. I. Think. The size of our camper, the rough winter, and my lack of motivation and self-control led to the place that I am now. Since 2013, I’ve gained 90 pounds. When Matt and I first started dating, I was in fantastic shape. I still had a pooch but I was VERY active. I look back and wish that I hadn’t gotten hurt and let it take me down the self-destructive path that I’ve been on.

But, as always, that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. I’m happy that I’m able to continue doing these posts, because they help me to get in tune with my struggle and also they help others who may not be able to focus on their issues or think they are alone.

“List 10 things tat you are grateful for today.”

1. First of all, I’m grateful that I am alive and well. I get to wake up in a safe place with the love of my life by my side and eat food. I don’t fear for my life (other than my weird anxieties and irrational fears). I have a roof over my head and I’m alive.

2. For friends and family that support me no matter what, I have such a great network of humans. People that support me, like Matt, my family, and my close friends here. That’s what life is all about.

3. For both my jobs even though one drives me crazy, the rink is the perfect job. I love what I do, I love the people I work with on a daily basis and that I get to spend time in a hockey rink.

4. The weather is starting to become warm again and with that comes thunderstorms, which I love. I don’t love driving in them but I love them so much. They make me happy.

5. Water. Since I started this journey, I have been drinking sooo muuuuch waterrrrrr. There’s one of those amazing water fountains that fills up water bottles, here at the rink. Those are my favorite kinds. 

6. That I have a gym to go to. Yes, I love walking/running outside, but on the days when its shitty out (today!) its nice to have a warm, dry place to workout. Plus it’s nice that its on the second floor of one of my jobs.

7. Pod Save America. This podcast…words cant even describe how amazing it is. It’s all about the US political shit that’s going on right now.

8. Coffee. Oh coffee, I have been working so so much and coffee has been one of the only things keeping me going.

9. My fidget spinner. If you’re like me, then you are constantly worrying, I’m one of those people who fidget almost all the time. But with the spinner, I find myself doing less weird/annoying/self destructive things. It also helps a lot with my anxiety.

10. My kindle. I consider myself to be an avid reader. It helps pass the time at both jobs and keeps my mind working. I’m currently re-reading the HP series, and its bringing back some serious memories!

It’s taken me almost 4 hours to compete this list. 1) because my boss keeps coming around and 2) this was a really hard challenge. It’s not that I don’t have a lot to be grateful for, but putting it into words was very hard for me. I find myself floating from day to day without really appreciating the things that I have. This challenge really helped me realize what is important to me and what I might be able to cut out of my daily routine.

XOXO

What are your grateful for? Let me know by using the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney and tag me on twitter and instagram @realtalkwithdee

Day 4

Ok, this is probably going to be a semi-short post. Mostly because I am absolutely exhausted but have only had one cup of coffee so far. But I want to keep good on my promises to myself and to you that I will post my journey. I’m starting to get the hang of this whole “body love” thing. I’m also gaining tons of support with my journey and finding friends who are along the same path (shout out Maggie!). I did not go to the gym yesterday which was kinda ok cause I’ve been SO FUCKING BUSY that I almost forgot that my birthday is next week.

But that’s not the point of this post. I am vigilant to continue my Emotional Eating journals and keeping track of what I’m eating. I allowed myself to eat some Cheez-It’s yesterday, portioned them out, and I actually felt kinda guilty for eating them. I felt like I was almost sabotaging myself by letting me have them. But I got over that quickly when I reminded myself that it was because I didn’t have any snacks with me and was super hungry. It was much better than binging on M&M’s, which I came so close to doing.

As I said, I did not get a chance to go to the gym or even workout yesterday, which I have been afraid of doing because I’m terrified that I’m going to fall off this path.  But I’m determined this time.

“Dear Body, I love you because…”

Dear Body,

I love you because you have put up with my shit for so long and have been relatively good to me. Aside from the mental health issues and some other health issues, you have been so good to me. You have allowed me to be on this eart, breathing and living, for the last 29 years.

I’ve treated you like crap and I’m so sorry that I did that to you, I hope that you will forgive me and allow to me make it up to you. To nourish you with food that fuels you, rather than feed you shit food that makes you have to work harder.

Is that why I’m so tired all the time? Because I put you through so much and you’ve had to work overtime to keep me alive? I cannot thank you enough for keeping me going. I promise to treat you better, to not talk bad about you, because you have done so much for me.

From this point on, I am going to treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. Because I want us to be together for a very, very long time.

Love and respect,

Diedre

XOXO

Let me know why you love your body, what do you love about your body? Use the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on instagram or twitter and tag me @realtalkwithdee

Day 3

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I hadn’t taken the time to look at myself in the mirror in a long time. But after my walk/run I went to take a shower. I was devastated by what I saw in the mirror. I have let myself go so far. I know I can get back to where I’m happy with my body but it was truly shocking to see just how bad my belly has gotten. I’m not comfortable posting my “before” pictures on here, but to paint a picture: I’m 5’6″ and I weigh 290lbs, most of my weight is around my midsection which is due in part to my PCOS but also my lack of self-control when it comes to delicious foods. 

I’ve been using MyFitnessPal to stay on track and if I stay on the path I’m on, eating >1,500 calories a day and working out, I will lose an estimated 15lbs in the next 5 weeks. That brings us to the end of May. My goal is to be down to 220lbs in a size 14 pant and large top by the end of the year. It’s not an unrealistic goal for me, that’s 70lbs in 8 months. If I work hard and focus on my body and the food going into it as well as staying on top of my fitness, it can be done. 

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. I’m here for Day 3 of the Emotional Eating Journal. 

“What is your relationship with food like? Write a letter, as if it were a real person.”

Dear Food,

Hey old friend, haven’t talked in a while. I’m writing today to tell you that about my feelings on our relationship and what I hope for it to become. 

I know in the past, you’ve been there for me in my moments of need, but you’ve also beckoned me in my moments of weakness. You know all too well that I turn to you when I’m bored, and you’ve accepted that as your role in my life. Any time I had nothing to do with my hands or mouth, you were there to help me distract me. You struck me worse at this new job, where you called to me every time I walked past you. Telling me that “a few M&M’s won’t kill you, but don’t forget the Cheez-Its” and forcing yourself to keep my mind distracted from my real goals and dreams. 

Eventually you became a routine for me, I had set plan for the foods that I became accustomed to eating. Sometimes they were good choices, but more often than not you lured me in with chocolate and salty snacks. I’m thankful for having you in my life when you’re not trying to sabotage my wishes for my life. I realize not everyone has a friend like you in their life. But I can see how you’ve hurt me in the past and I’m here to tell you that will never happen again. 

I want to continue our friendship but there needs to be some changes. I want to live a long and healthy life but if you keep seducing me with sweets and junk food, it won’t happen. Unfortunately we won’t be seeing much of each other in the way that I know you want. I’m going to be seeing you for healthy, nourishing foods that will help me live long enough to taste the different flavors that you offer. 

I hope that you understand and respect my wishes. 

Thanks for the memories. 

You’re friend,

Diedre

xoxo

What is your relationship with food? Let me know and use the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on twitter or instagram! @realtalkwithdee  

Emotional Eating Journal Entry: Day 2

Day one of my journey was an easy one, I didn’t stray from the food plan I had in mind, I downloaded MyFitnessPal, and went to the gym. I’m feeling cautious optimistic about my healthy life course. 

So in that tone, here is my second entry of the Emotional Eat Journal:

“What do I want out of my life? How do I make sure I get it?”

I want to be free of my physical limitations due to my weight/size. My weight isn’t as much of a factor as my size and health, but along with health and size comes less weight. When I was training before, I hit a plateau of weight where I wasn’t losing any weight but I was feeling and looking better. I had more stamina and could do things that my body wouldn’t let me do before. I need to get back to that place and beyond. 

I want to be able to go on adventures and travel without feeling like my body mass is a hinderence. As I said in my previous post, I’m embarrassed by how large I’ve gotten. It’s sickening to think how easy it was for one slip up to lead to me gaining all the weight I’d worked so hard to lose and then some, back. 

I’m one of those people who has struggled, and will struggle, to keep weight off for my whole life. I know now that I can’t let up. I have to find a path and stay on it, otherwise it might cost me my life. I don’t want to be on medication for health issues that could have been solved by me being less of a shit-pig. Don’t get me wrong- I’m all about body positivity and loving the skin you’re in, but at a certain point I think it becomes unhealthy to be a larger person. It hurts your joints, your heart and other organs, it hurts your brain because of the torment that plus-sized people deal with. I consider myself to be a fairly confident person, but I think there’s a real breaking point for everyone; I’ve reached my breaking point. I’m unhappy in my body because I know it’s capable of so much more. 

So how do I make sure I reach my goals? Persistence. It’s as simple as not letting yourself slip fully into the point of no return. Of course a piece of cake won’t completely ruin my body (unless it’s blueberry, cause I’m allergic). But the problem that I have is thinking that “One piece of cake won’t kill my week” leads to “Oh I worked out 4 times this week, maybe some cookies would be nice” and then fall into that routine. I can’t let that happen, not this time. 

I know when I read articles about life-style changes and healthy living, it says that you can’t keep yourself from eating sweets because it will lead to a binge or something but my mind works opposite; One slip leads to a tumble that leads to a free fall into unhealthy eating habits. I have to abstain from unhealthy foods if I want to achieve my goal of living long enough to grow old with Matt. 

So that’s it, that’s want I want out of my life and how I plan on getting it. 

What do you want out of life? How do you plan on getting there? Let me know on twitter or instagram using #deesweightlossjourney and tag me! @realtalkwithdee

xoxo

This is why I’m “fat”

I’m going to (once again) TRY and lose this weight. I am officially at my heaviest I have ever been and it’s not only bad for my health but for my relationships. I used to be able to walk long distances and not get winded, Matt and I used to be able to go on adventures all the time but now I can’t fit into an airplane seat without the seatbelt extender. Its embarrassing for me and I’m sure people who see me think, why does she dress like she’s 50lbs lighter than she is? 

This is not meant to be a self body-shame post though. I know what my body is capable of and what it has done before. I am not ashamed of my stretch marks or cellulite, because EVERYONE HAS THAT. 

I found this list on Pinterest and I decided to challenge myself to see if I can do it. I went back to the gym yesterday for the first time since I cracked a rib and sublexated my shoulder. I ran/walked a little over a mile in around 20 minutes. I hadn’t ran in over 1 year and I felt exhilarated. I started tracking my food yesterday and will try and remember to be consistant with that too. 

So here goes the first “journal” entry….

“My biggest barrier to weight loss is ____ and here is why…”

My biggest barrier to weight loss is consistency. For a while, about 2 years ago, I got super into going to the gym. I was motivated and eating right; I lost 45lbs. It was amazing, I was on cloud fucking 9. But then something changed. I don’t know if it was the weather change (fall-winter) or just the holidays but I fell off. And then I got hurt and went through that whole back-surgery thing. 

Since then I have gained 60lbs+ and have tried several times to get back in the gym and back to eating right. But I can’t get it going on. I’m fucking upset that I can’t get back into my old routine. I don’t know if it’s just me being a lazy sack of poo or lack of space to meal prep or just working all the time. I don’t know what it is. I fucking hate it though. I’m sick of being this big. I’m sick of barely fitting into a size 20 pants. 

I know my body can be healthy again. I need to be smart this time. No cheats. No off days. Just pedal to the floor, fully committed, no excuses. 

Who wants to take this challenge with me? Use the #deesweightlossjourney and tag me @realtalkwithdee on twitter or instagram! 

xoxo

Rant time

I’ currently working at the ice rink and there is a tournament going on. 

I got here at 10 this morning and was score keeping leading up to working at the front desk. 

Not all, but MOST of the coaches that I have dealt with today have been absolute pricks. If I tell you that the rule is you have to leave car keys or a drivers license with me, don’t fucking fight me on it. I don’t make the fucking schedule and its not my fucking fault that you didn’t read the board right. I did not make the locker room assignments for the day. I honestly don’t care that your kids have to walk across the lobby (maybe 40 feet wide) to get to the rink they are playing on. I literally just work at the front desk. The name of your team on the board is the team name that we were sent, I don’t care if its fucking wrong. I am sick of your shit.

Please kindly go fuck yourself.

AND ANOTHER THING

There are kids running around the lobby of the rink. The rules are very clear and running is against the rules. I cant even tell you how many times I have yelled at the same children. When you bring your kids to a rink, or anywhere for that matter, please PAY THE FUCK ATTENTION TO THEM. I’ve actually given up on yelling at the kids because they just don’t fucking listen.

Ok I think feel better now. I know I’ll feel better. When I’m off work…

xoxo

P FUCKING S

Some parent just walked back here like he owned the fucking joint and took his license back and left the key. THATS FUCKING ILLEGAL. I told him he couldn’t do that and he told me to fuck off that he had to leave. Dude just fucked up key privileges for his team for the weekend.