I know a while ago I spoke about the feeling in my gut that I always thought was anxiety. Well I’ve been thinking on it. A lot actually. I’ve always thought it was anxiety. I even talked about it with my therapist. I thought that it was something inside of me that was anxious because I wasn’t doing anything. Because I was stagnant.
Well as it turns out, it’s not anxiety. At least not directly. Every time I have gotten this feeling in the last few weeks, I’ve thought about why I would feel this way. What could be causing it? And I feel stupid for not realizing this until just now. But it’s guilt. I’ve been feeling guilty all these years. Guilty for sleeping in. Guilty for still being in bed at 9am. Guilty for not being dressed at noon.
I have no idea why. There’s no reason to really be guilty for all of these things. Unless I was late for work or something important. But sometimes I even get that feeling at work or while I’m out doing important things.
I cannot believe it’s taken me this long to figure this out. I have been feeling guilty for over 20 years. For what though? What does an 8 year old have to be guilty about? And I’m not talking like oh I kicked my friend in the shin and I feel guilty. I mean like deep seeded guilt. Like I was guilty for being so happy or comfortable or safe when others don’t have hat luxury. What 8 year old has that thought pattern?!?
Anyways, I just wanted to share this with someone because I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest now that I know the word to call this feeling. It’s like knowing what it is made it lose its power and grasp on me. I beat it and I couldn’t be happier!