I’m in a rut. 

Everyone goes through phases of creativity and drive; I’m no different than that. I’ve spent the last few days trying to figure out what I wanted to write about. I have some ideas but one requires some research and the other I’m waiting until the right time to post it. 

So that leaves me empty and post-less. 

We did get somewhat settled since we’re back at the farm but yesterday was wild. We drove an hour to get back to the trailer and my car then I had a job interview. It started POURING rain (I’m talking buckets) just before my interview and didn’t stop for about 3 hours. My car had some issues (ok just one, and it was from me being dumb) and the rain was so bad I had to keep pulling over. I made it into town and I ended up having to stay there for the next few hours until the first storm past so I could head up to the farm. Luckily I only caught a bit of the next storm and only had to pull over once. 

Then M and I spent the next few hours watching Law & Order: SVU and playing with the dog. 

So we’ll be up at the farm for the next few weeks until our site opens back up at the campground. I am so thankful I have such good friends that will let M and I park on their property and use their electricity. We are like built in babysitters for them so it sort of works! I love that kid with all of my heart though. I’ve known him since he was born and now he’s 2. He’s obsessed with M and loves to help him. He’s my little punkin pie. 
So hopefully I’ll be struck with inspiration soon!!


When I’m gone

Normally I take Sunday and Wednesday off from posting, but this week is a little special. M and I are at a hotel out of town for a night (it’s so nice to have room to walk around!) and then I’m busy with interviews all day tomorrow (OMG!). 

So I figure I’m not going to be able to post a thing really until Saturday at the earliest. I’m going to keep to my schedule of Sunday/Wednesday off because I need to for my own sanity. 

We’re going to be back at the farm for a few weeks and then we’re going to be back at the campground for a month in the middle of August! 

So I promise to get some new content out soon, I just need a little time until the dust settles. 

In the mean-time, please take a look at some of my old posts if you haven’t gotten a chance to. Some of my older posts are a little rough around the edges but they need love too. Go ahead and check them out!!


My favorite YouTube people!!

I wanted to get this post out early today because my parents are coming in this afternoon and I’m gonna want to spend time with them. Also, I probably won’t be getting a post out tomorrow because they will be here until Thursday and I don’t know when I’m going to see them again 😦

I wanted to have a chance to talk about my favorite YouTube people, because they have changed my life. OK that sounds super fucking cheesy, but it’s kinda true. I was super bored at work and had just gotten the go-ahead by my doctor to sit between customers because of my pain and decided to just fart around YouTube. I started by just watching some random videos and then stumbled onto some makeup tutorials. This eventually snow-balled into me being semi addicted to watching these videos. Like I would watch these guys do makeup or their vlogs over watching Netflix sometimes.

So I wanted to give you guys a rundown of my favorite people to watch!

  • Carli Bybel: I told one of my old coworkers that I had started watching makeup tutorials and she immediately told me that I needed to watch this girl. That she was amazing and that I was going to love her. Well she wasn’t wrong! I became obsessed watching this girl’s videos and I was sad when I basically caught up on all her videos. So I had to go on the hunt for more videos and people to watch!! She also is the only person on YouTube that I own their palette.


  • Manny MUA: Shortly after I started watching Carli, I stumbled onto Manny. The first video I watched of his had my rolling on the floor laughing. He’s the funniest make-up guy for sure. He is fantastic at doing make-up too, he’s honestly better than most girls that I know. Plus, I love what he’s doing for other men like him, him and Patrick Starrr are paving the way for some changes that are super exciting!


  • Patrick Starrr: I found Patrick through Manny’s videos and obviously I thought he was incredible too. I’ll be honest, he can be a bit much for my taste sometimes but I still enjoy his tutorials because he has similar sink problems to me so it’s not to know how to deal with that.


  • Casey Holmes: I’m pretty sure I stumbled upon her by random and I am so fucking glad that I did because she is like, the best. She has some skin issues that I have too so I get a lot of tips from her. She has a vlog channel that I’m obsessed with! Her and her boyfriend are so cute and I love watching her vlogs because she does a lot and she has adorable dogs. She just has a great personality that I enjoy a lot.


  • Kathleen Lights: This girl. First of all, she reminds me of my sister so much, she’s crazy and wild and hilarious just like my little sister. Second, she has great taste in makeup; she doesn’t have the same skin type as me but she is on the paler side so I can get a lot of tips from her. I don’t watch her vlogs but her snapchats are hilarious.


  • Laura Lee: This is a new one that I started watching recently. She has a super twangy accent that I just love plus she’s like super funky. She recently came out with a pallet that I’m dying to have (once I start wearing makeup again aka when I go back to work).


  • Eleventh Gorgeous: OK so Tracy and Stephanie are sister and I haven’t seen them do a tutorial yet but they mostly do like unboxing and hauls. It’s still interesting to see what they get and I like those types of videos more sometime because it’s like I get to live vicariously through the people who can afford to buy all this makeup!


  • Leigh Ann Says: Another new one that I started watching recently but I have fallen for quickly. I haven’t watched a tutorial (and I don’t even know if she has one) but I like her monthly favorites. She has a vlog channel, but only one is in my “Watch Later” on YouTube and I’m excited to watch and see how it goes.


  • Jaclyn Hill: OK. I really like watching her videos but sometimes she can be a bit much. But I think that’s part of her appeal, being kind of wacky and weird. She has a lot of the same mental health issues that I do so its nice to see that she’s doing something with her life. She does have FANTASTIC makeup tutorials though! Like she is a queen when it comes to putting on makeup. I don’t like her vlogs all that much but I do like her hauls and tutorials. She is incredibly talented.


  • Marlena (Makeup Geek): So the creator/founder or whatever of Makeup Geek has a YouTube channel that I absolutely adore! She is funny, she is wise, and she has great style. I actually get a lot of my hair inspiration (style-wise, I wish I could pull off the purple) from her. She is so talented and has created such a revolutionary brand. I look up to her. What I love about her channel is that she doesn’t just talk about her makeup line; she offers options and talks about different brands that she likes that aren’t hers! She spends her own money on these other brands because that’s what the industry should be about- support not hate.


  • The Sorry Girls: I literally just started watching these videos like…. last week. They have a variety of subjects that they talk about and honestly I don’t watch them for any makeup that they may talk about. But they have a lot of DIY stuff and I dig that heavy style. I plan on doing some of their projects and talking about them in the future on my blog for sure!


  • Nicole Guerriero: OK. I saved the best for last. This girl…I can’t even. She is my NUMBER ONE FAVORITE YOUTIBE PERSON I CAN’T EVEN. But I can odd! (haha). But seriously. I can’t even tell you all the ways that I adore this woman. She’s a good friend of Carli Bybel. At first I didn’t want to watch her videos because I thought she looked like a straight up bitch, but I finally ran out of videos to watch and was like “ah I’ll give her a chance.” Boy am I glad that I did that! She’s hilarious, beautiful, talented, and really entertaining. I love watching both her vlogs and her makeup tutorials. I just can’t get enough. She’s awesome and I HIGHLY recommend watching her videos.


So that’s my roundup. Shit, I didn’t realize that I like that many people on YouTube…Sorry for the long post guys!

Do you have any favorite YouTube peeps? Let me know in the comments or on Twitter or Instagram @iblog1988.


What’s in My Bag

I’ve been super excited to do this post for a while now. If it wasn’t obvious already, I love talking about myself. Oh it wasn’t? Well I do.

Plus, I’ve seen a lot of my favorite YouTubers do something similar and it was always fascinating to me. So I thought you guys might be interested in seeing something like this!

So here goes nothing…

First of all, there’s the subject of my bag itself. It’s a highly coveted (by my friends…ok friend…Maggie…) bag that I got from Forever 21 with the idea that I would use it for school. Well that lasted all of one day because I had way too much stuff to carry and opted for an adorable backpack (if you guys like this post, when I’m back in school I’ll do a school version of this). But I love this bag. It is the perfect size, it has just the right amount of pockets…ugh I just love it. There is a very handy zippered section in the back (or front I guess depending on the way you look at it) that I keep big important papers in, like bills that I need to pay, a scratcher for a restaurant, etc. Then on the inside there is another zippered pouch and this is where I keep lady things and my mini notepad and pen for keeping track of potential blog posts and a running list of my favorites for the month. Just across the way you’ll find two pouches. One is for my phone and headphones and the other is for my chapstick (soon you’ll find out how many I carry with me) and hand sanitizer.


Now that we’ve discussed the bag itself, let’s talk about what I have with me on a typical day…

  • iPad Mini: I always carry my iPad Mini with me because I can’t always carry my Surface 3 (the laptop/tablet I use as a computer) and it’s nice to have when I’m at work. I use it mostly for Netflix and Pinterest, but sometimes I use it for more practical uses like writing a paper or checking my email. When I was working, I watched a lot of YouTube on there because I have a sick obsession with makeup tutorials.
  • Chapstick/Lip product: I tend to have anywhere from 1-3 lip products on me at a time. I’ve never really had chapped lips before but I do have dry feeling lips sometimes and if I don’t have anything to fix it, I go insane. I have some personal favorites; Burt’s Bees, Nivea, and Blistex to name a few.
  • Hand Sanitizer: As a self-proclaimed fishing gal, one always needs to have hand sanitizer around because you never know when the urge to fish is going to hit. Plus, we usually carry at least 2 rods with us pretty much everywhere we go during the warm months. Hand sanitizer is also necessary because sometimes, bathrooms don’t have soap or towels/dryers (I check for both before I wash) and one of my biggest pet peeves is having wet hands. Although is that really a pet peeve…? I digress.
  • Wallet/Coin Purse: This is a no-brainer. It has my important cards, my money, my shopping list, my first born…ok I’m kidding about that last one. But this wallet that I got from Amazon (link) has been such a lifesaver to me, and it was a good price! It has so much room for all my important things before they get transferred to my large important things folder. The one thing it’s missing is a coin purse, which is why I always have one of those handy as well! I got mine at a consignment shop in town for 25 cents.
  • Sunglasses: I wear prescription glasses and so I can’t just wear any old pair of sunglasses that I want to. I have these (picture) sunglasses that I got polarized too and they are like my best friend or whatever you can call an important inanimate object.
  • Headphones: Now this one is very important to me, not only because I love music but because I sometimes don’t like holding my phone, and it irritates me to no end when people have a conversation on their phone in public on speakerphone! Like people do that all the time out here and it drives me nuts. So headphones really come in handy.
  • Feminine products: I mean; do I even need to explain this?
  • Medication/Advil: I carry an anti-anxiety medication with me at all times, in fact I have like 3 bottles of it so there’s one in my normal bag, one in my medicine cabinet and one in my small bag that I use.
  • Lotion: Now that it’s summer time, I’m outside a lot and I’m starting to get a lot more color than I’m used to because I live at a campground. When I first got really burnt right before the 4th, I was terrified of peeling (mostly because I didn’t want to lose my tan) so I was applying lotion like every 20 minutes. I’m happy to report that I didn’t peel too bad and I still have a fab tan!
  • Perfume/Spray: I like to carry this with me for a few reasons: in case I forgot to put on deodorant, in case I poo, or in case someone else smells and I need to either offer them some or mask their stink. I got mine at Target for super cheap and it smells great; it’s the perfect travel size!
  • Essential Oil: Ok, I know that essential oils get a lot of flak and people question their validity, and I still do with some, but this one works wonders for me. I don’t like to take my anxiety medication every time I need it. Sometimes I like using this handy little roller-ball of lavender essential oil to help calm me down.


So that’s it, that’s what I carry with me all the time! Sometimes things get left at home or switched out (ex: I sometimes leave my iPad at home and bring my Surface with me) but this is a pretty good list of what I carry and what is essential for me to have at all times.

I’m curious as to what you guys carry with you or what you think is essential to have with you all the time? Let me know in the comments or on Twitter or Instagram @iblog1988


Guilty as charged

I know a while ago I spoke about the feeling in my gut that I always thought was anxiety. Well I’ve been thinking on it. A lot actually. I’ve always thought it was anxiety. I even talked about it with my therapist. I thought that it was something inside of me that was anxious because I wasn’t doing anything. Because I was stagnant.
Well as it turns out, it’s not anxiety. At least not directly. Every time I have gotten this feeling in the last few weeks, I’ve thought about why I would feel this way. What could be causing it? And I feel stupid for not realizing this until just now. But it’s guilt. I’ve been feeling guilty all these years. Guilty for sleeping in. Guilty for still being in bed at 9am. Guilty for not being dressed at noon.  
I have no idea why. There’s no reason to really be guilty for all of these things. Unless I was late for work or something important. But sometimes I even get that feeling at work or while I’m out doing important things.

I cannot believe it’s taken me this long to figure this out. I have been feeling guilty for over 20 years. For what though? What does an 8 year old have to be guilty about? And I’m not talking like oh I kicked my friend in the shin and I feel guilty. I mean like deep seeded guilt. Like I was guilty for being so happy or comfortable or safe when others don’t have hat luxury. What 8 year old has that thought pattern?!?

Anyways, I just wanted to share this with someone because I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest now that I know the word to call this feeling. It’s like knowing what it is made it lose its power and grasp on me. I beat it and I couldn’t be happier!


First day in a new town.

As we come to the end of our time here in this town, I have been reflecting back on all the friends we’ve made and the memories shared. The friends that we have made out here will stay with us forever. Moving away from friends and family was hard (at least it was for me) so having close friends really helps.

It was very stormy last night so I was inspired to write this as I watched the torrential rain and constant (like seriously constant) lightning and thunder. I guess I was feel nostalgic….

I remember my first day here like it was yesterday. It had been an early morning for us, we had stayed the night in some motel in Iowa a few hours away and had to get up and drive here to make it in time for the last day of orientation. Leave it to us to put it off till the last minute.

I remember driving through the small towns leading us to our home for the next 3 years and thinking “Where the fuck are we?” As we drove past my future school, I chuckled at the name; Kishwaukee is a funny word to say if you’ve never heard anyone say it before.

When we arrived on campus, we found some parking and got out of the truck, U-Haul still in tow. I remember thinking how freakin hot it was. I had been in humidity before, but never like what I was feeling then. It was all around us and very thick.

There was a quick tour, that culminated at the memorial for the students that had been murdered at a school shooting a few years before. That’s when I heard them for the first time. The tornado sirens. I started panicking and thank god I wasn’t alone. The tour guide kind of chuckled and told us that the sirens are tested once a month on a Tuesday. Since then, I’ve never gotten scared by them and quite honestly I rarely hear them tested. I think I’ve tuned them out. M says he hears them sometimes. I do remember hearing them one time at work. It wasn’t a Tuesday. It was actually a real emergency but my manager and I looked outside with a customer we had in store and didn’t see anything so we just went back to work thinking it was a fluke. Turns out there had been a funnel cloud seen like a mile up the road.

So after the quick tour, M and I were separated and I was put into the group with the parents. We toured the dorms (which we wouldn’t be staying in) and toured some other buildings. It was sweltering and I couldn’t imagine how people loved like this. I mean, I was sweating so bad but no one else was. I felt so alone for the first few hours on campus. I soon found how how shitty cell reception at NIU was and came to the realization that M needed a new phone (his had been on the fritz for some time).

The “parents” tour ended much sooner than the student so I kind of was lost for a while. I walked around for a while, trying to figure out where I was supposed to meet M because at this point his phone was dead. I asked a bunch of people where the students went after they were done but no one ever got me a straight answer. It was all very frustrating because a) it was hot as fuck and b) I didn’t know anyone or anything about where I was. Eventually I ended up back outside because I thought maybe he had gone back to the truck or something. He hadn’t. So I stood outside because I, again, didn’t know what to do.

Thankfully he came out after not too long (OK like at least an hour) and we headed away from school to find food and shelter. [Side note: when he got back to the truck is when he officially asked me to move there with him. I believe his exact words were “I can’t live here without you.”] We ended up at what is still one of our favorite restaurants for dinner while we looked for apartments. No luck finding a place that night or the next 3. We stayed at the Hotel 6 or Motel 8 or whatever for almost a week before we finally found an apartment in our price range. But the first few nights in the apartment were actually spent in Iowa at M’s family’s farm. It was tons of fun.

When we got back, we were home one night with an air-mattress (that deflated while we slept) so we spent the next day getting a new mattress. We just got rid of that thing (thank god) but I didn’t sleep on that mattress for the first week we owned it. I went home for a week to pack and say my goodbyes. Before I had gone out there, I was pretty sure I was gonna move here anyways but I wasn’t 100%.

That move was almost 3 years ago exactly and I couldn’t be happier. Of course I miss my friends and family back home. Everyday. But I’m living the life I never knew I wanted with the man I wanted the moment I laid eyes on him. And I couldn’t be happier.


Carefree? That’s Not Me…


Right now, you would think my life is carefree. I haven’t been to work in almost 2 months and I’ve been living in a campground for the last few weeks. It is pretty nice not having any real responsibilities (I have a commitment to post at least once a day for you guys) but it’s far from carefree.

I guess in comparison to other people who work all the time and have like a family and shit, my life is “carefree” but to me – not so much. I have so much that I need to worry about: money, school, work, bills, etc.

Everyday, I get up and stress about what I’m doing that day. Most days we run errands (having a small fridge means we grocery shop more) and go somewhere that has wifi and spend a while there. Some days I have doctors appointments, some days I have nothing. The last two days I’ve actually been under the weather so I haven’t really done much. Plus we’re in a severe heat warning or something like that. It’s like 92 out but feels like 115.

Everyday I stress about when I’m going to go back to work. I’ve been applying to jobs like crazy even though I’m not really allowed to go back to work until mid-August. I haven’t gotten a paycheck in almost a month. I don’t want to complain about that too much because I have a lot of support, and a lot of people are weird about money. I’ve never had a problem talking about money, but that’s just me.

Like I said before, compared to other people that I do have a more carefree life. I get to go fishing pretty much whenever I want. I can nap anytime of the day. I don’t have to be asleep or awake at any particular time. I have started 4 books and finished 2 books in less than 2 weeks (one I finished in less than 24 hours). And finally, I don’t have to work.

Wow, I really sound like I’m trying to rub this all in, I swear I’m not. And now that I’m looking back at that list, maybe I am living carefree…?

I think I need to lay down…lol (oh my god I did it again…)


Edit: Sorry for being all over the place in this post. I think I’m trying to make up for not being really present that much this week but I’m trying too hard. I think I’m gonna take the next few days off unless I feel better soon.