I hate cleaning…

Moving means cleaning. Lots and lots of cleaning. The goal was to be out of the second floor of the house, but that’s where our shower is so that was completely unrealistic.

Since we have to be out of the house by tomorrow afternoon I started cleaning this morning. I started with the bathroom, but because of my lovely lady time I have/had a migraine I had to stop plus my hip had been bothering me pretty bad.

Anyways so I fell asleep for a few hours and woke up still not feeling better but not as bad as I was before. So I had a snack and got back to cleaning. The bathroom is still not done because we both need to shower so I prepped the tub to be cleaned and I have to mop still.

The landlord is gonna be here late tomorrow afternoon so we have time tomorrow morning to clean the living room, dinning room, and kitchen which are the last things that need to be touched.

Once the move is done and we’re settled into the trailer at my friends farm, I want to give my tips on moving! So keep an eye out for that one! Our trailer has a lovely writing nook that M said would be perfect for my blogging which was the first time that he like mentioned that I blog. I thought it was kinda sweet lol.

-DF

Whoa it’s been a while

I am so sorry that I have been MIA. We have been non-stop packing and moving everything into the storage unit, having garage sales, fishing.

BUT I HAVE AMAZING NEWS!

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We bought a camper! We won’t be homeless by the end of the week like I was dreading!!! Instead we will be staying on my good friend’s property for a few day before spending a month at the campground that my parents have been staying at that I am just in love with. There are 2 lakes to fish from, a swimming hole with a beach, and a nice walking path. Plus it’s only one town over from where we’re currently living so I’m pretty stoked to stay near.

(So if anyone has an tips for full-timing it, M and I are open to tips!)

I’m hoping to re-do a few things in the camper, because its a pretty old thing but its nice. I’m so ecstatic about it.

Found a home √

Next task: find a new job.

So I’m sorry that I’ve been so distant. I’ve just been suuuuper super busy. Because between the moving and packing, I also have therapy and physical therapy. It’s been a wild last few weeks.

Once we get settled somewhere, I promise to have fresh content more frequently. I want to be much more active than I have been. And I’m sorry for that my loves!

-DF

OH ALSO! I got a new coupon for everyone to Carol’s Daughter. I think this one might be my favorite because not only do you get free shipping, but you get a free gift!! Just click the link below!!

FREE Shipping with any $25 Purchase + FREE Gift Offer!

*The link is an affiliate link, meaning I make a small commission from purchases made using my link*

I guess I’m gonna take this a different way

Awe

Warning:  Also, it’s VERY long.

So when I think or see the word “awe” I think of like “awe honey thanks” because that’s something that I say quite often.

Obviously, these prompts are my own perception of what it means. So that’s what I think of when I see “awe.”

I wanna talk about my honey. My M. How we met, why I fell in love with him, how we keep the magic alive, etc.

Let’s rewind to 2012…

My best friend K and I had a HUGE falling out late 2010/early 2011 because I was hanging with a different crowd, smoking weed (and doing other recreational drugs), and listening to dub-step. She is NOT into those things so we lost touch.

But mid 2012, I started having reactions when I smoked weed (found out yesterday from my therapist that it was the weed reacting with the chemical imbalance in my brain) so I wasn’t smoking anymore and we started trying to hang out again. It was hard at first because I had panic attacks a lot. Like we had fantastic seats for an SF Giants game and I had such a bad panic attack that we had to leave in the 3rd inning.

Around this same time my dad had started to get into hockey, and me being the daddy’s girl that I am, so I started getting it too. It sort of worked out because K and her sister were going to the local Junior College’s hockey games (K’s sister worked for them) so I decided to start going with them.

I will never forget the first game that I went to. It was the first time that I saw M. I can still picture it in my head, and if I could go back in time I would tell my past self to jump on him then so I could have a few extra months with him. So we’re sitting at the game watching them warm-up before the game. I remember seeing this SEXY man on the ice and turning to K and asking her who #91 was. Her sister immediately turned to me and said “Oh that’s M, he thinks he’s from the south bay but its not the real south bay. He’s a Dodgers fan too. He’s totally into himself.” So obviously I was intrigued…he was just so sexy, big butt (guilty pleasure on all genders), handlebar mustache, kinda scraggly looking; totally my type. I was totally swooning from day one on this guy.

Later that night we went to the after-game bar they all went to after their games. This was the first time I met M but not the first time he met me. He was pretty drunk and there was this really creepy guy hitting on me and me being the awkward human that I am, I didn’t know how to fend off creeps, I asked M to pretend to be my boyfriend. He was pretty messed up and was like “yeah sure” and I was so flustered because for me, it was love at first sight.

Fast forward to January 2013 at an after party at one of the boys houses. M is rocking the fuuuuuu out of a tweed suit, hair slicked back – how could I resist? I did something so out of the ordinary that night, I hit on HIM. I was raised very traditionally and was always under the impression that the man had to make the first move. I guess my moves worked because he was all about this.

We ended up hanging out back at his place until the wee hours of the morning. The next day we made breakfast and watched hockey. It was perfect. He walked me to my car and gave me a kiss and watched me drive away. Obviously I had to go meet up with K and her sister (also a K, so we’ll just call her sister) to give them the details.

That one night turned into a 3+ year relationship. We started dating a few weeks after that first night. I “broke” my back a few months in so I moved in with him (my parents house was a 2 story that I couldn’t walk up the stairs in). Plus we’re both older (I’m not 28 and he’s 31) so adults know what they want and go for it. He only had a semester of school left at the JC so when he was done he was going to move back home, to the “South Bay” (sorry hon, the only south bay is the one under San Francisco). It seemed like it was going to be the end of us. I couldn’t handle it. I helped him move back down to LA and met his mother and family. I’m sorry, but looking back I was a fool for thinking he was actually going to break up with me.

It was really tough leaving him down in LA as I drove back up/home with K, her sister and their grandfather (one of my fave humans who happens to share his birthday with me). We decided to do long distance but it wasn’t that hard because he came back up for a family party and met everyone and came on the family trip we had that summer. It was so much fun. All the while, we were falling deeper and deeper in love.

In August, he found out where he had gotten into school to finish his degree – halfway across the country. I had a feeling that he was going to ask me to move but he never did. I was sorta sad about the whole thing but was trying to make the best of what time we had left till he moved. We both we’re going to be in Las Vegas the weekend before he was moving out to IL, like these trips were planned before we even started dating. As per usual, he asked me to help him move.

We ventured out at 5am, hungover, on our way east. I was nervous and excited at the same time. He still hadn’t asked me to move with him which was still annoying but I was letting it go. We were on the road, movies at the ready. It was a few day drive so we stopped in random hotels along the way, taking in as much scenery as possible.

On the third day there was man….no I’m kidding, on the third day we arrived in the small Midwest town that we would call home for the next 3 years. Today we celebrated our 3 and a half years together by buying ourselves a travel trailer to be our tiny home for the next few months.

I guess that’s why when I see “awe” I think of M because I saw “awe honey” a lot. He does sweet things for me. More than he should. He surprises me all the time and I love him for it.

-DF

Empty

Empty

It’s an interesting thing to think about. I’ve been feeling empty, but not in the sense that I used to before my medication. I feel bored. As some of my readers may know, I recently had back surgery. It’s left me in a state of helplessness. Although, the strong pain pills are a plus, it’s given me a chance to really think about what I want in life. To fill the emptiness.

I should probably warn my readers, I took a norco about an hour ago. I had PT and regular therapy today so my body and mind are exhausted.

Empty…

My house is becoming more and more empty. Bare I guess would be a better word. We have 8 days left in this house. We don’t have a place to live. We will be homeless. M found a nice trailer on craigslist but the guy hasn’t called us back. We’ve been working tirelessly to get the house packed so that the new owners can move in on time. We have to get a storage unit soon so that we can do something with all our furniture. It’s weird seeing the cabinets so bare.

Empty

As I have been off work, my bank account is slowly becoming more and moe empty. I need to go back to work but my jobs is crap. I don’t want to go back. I only miss the people one friend I have there. My DM is an asshole. The company that bought our company is screwing us all over. I want out but I can’t leave until I get a job. Which I have been feverishly applying for.

Empty

How I wish my mind was. I have so much weighing on me. I have so much that I need to do that it keeps running around in my head. I can’t make it quiet. I wish I had my ecig back. I miss it. I should have kicked the cravings by now, its been over a month since I had any nicotine and a few weeks since I puffed on the zero nicotine stuff. Even when there was no nicotine, I still felt the relief. I thought it only too 7 days to break a habit?

Empty

Something that I don’t feel as often anymore, a feeling that I am greatful has left me. I am grateful for my medication that keeps the darkness away. I’m happy to announce to those who have been following, I finally saw a psychiatrist and he changed my dosage so fingers crossed I’ll be feeling less panicky very soon! I appreciate all the support I have been receiving, both in my real life (those people don’t read this, I still want to keep this private from them) and the people online that I have met through various social networks. It means a lot to have people in my corner rooting for me.

So I guess I’m not all that empty after all!

-DF

Uhhhhh

I have no idea what to write about tonight, but I know I need to post about something.

I mean, half the time I don’t know what I’m going to write about before I sit down and write, but I’ve been really stuck for something.

Sorry readers, I’m just finding it hard to find something to write about. I have a lot of packing to do. I have a lot of job searching to do.

So if I’m a little absent for the next few days, I am so sorry!!

It’s nothing personal 🙂

-DF

Dear Gym, I miss you.

Good afternoon everyone!

Today I want to talk about my life before my back injury.

I used to go to the gym 5-7 days a week for at least an hour. I loved my gym. Working out made me sane. I felt like I wasn’t “crazy.” I had an outlet for my extra energy.

Fast forward to January ’16 and my doctor tells me that I can’t go to the gym anymore. My heart was broken. I turned to food to comfort me. Since then, I have gained 25lbs. I am even more depressed and anxious than I was before.

I don’t know why I didn’t dawn on me until this morning that my lack of physical activity is why my illness is getting worse. I can walk right now but I can’t walk from my house to anywhere. I live on a slanted road and slanted roads are a no-no according to my surgeon. I have been hitting 3,000+ steps according to my Fitbit. But before I used to hit 15k+.

Its a very weird feeling for me not going to the gym everyday.

I love fitness. I love running. I love lifting weights. Which is weird for people to hear me say. I know none of you know me or know what I look like, but let me try and paint a picture…

I’m 5’6″, 250+lbs, I carry most of my weight in my belly, I have a “high-butt” which really just makes my butt look like its broken up into two parts- high and low. I have fatty upper arms. Basically other than my arms and my gut, I am not “fat.” I am a healthy though. Which is something else that shocks people when I say that.

Of course I love my bad snacks; Lays, Twizzlers, and Reese’s just to name a few. But I rarely drink soda, most of my meals include fruits and veggies, water is my favorite drink (ok and coffee), I eat lean meats and like no red meat.

Sometime in January, I woke up one morning in serious pain. Because I had herniated discs before, I knew what it was so it was another 2 months before I went to see my doctor. Basically from there I got 4 cortisone injections before they realized that surgery was my only option. When I saw my doctor in January, she told me that I had to stop going to the gym. It broke my f-ing heart.

OK, there is a moral to this story…

The photo attached to this post has been something that’s motivated me for a few years now. I want to (once I’m recovered and healed) to get back to my working out and be someone that people look up to for motivation. That’s my goal. That’s what gets me out of bed in the morning. I want to do something with my life that people look up to me for.

Sorry for kind of a rambling post, M and I were having so much fun last night chasing each other, play fighting and tickling each other that I was hurting today. So I took a Norco (something I hadn’t done in like a week) so I’m really “high” right now.

OK, time to keep packing up the house. I’m also meeting up with someone to sell something from Letgo and then my parents are coming over for dinner and we’re gonna pack up my kitchen.

-DF

Pain

(Edit: Looking back on this post after I made it, I realized that “Pain” was probably not the best title lol)

I’ve always been really good at dealing with pain, but my back just started hurting again and I’m feeling mizzzz.

I know the doctor said that there will be good days and bad days, but today was a good day until just like less than an hour ago.
The worst part is though, I’m so anxious to do something…

Last night was super fun though!

And I think that’s why I’m going stir crazy today. And I even took medicine for the anxiety!

Last night my family and M and I went to play BINGO at the local Elks. We didn’t win any money but it was so much fun.

But today went a little different…

I lost my cool a few times and it was the wake up call that I needed to actually call to make an appointment to talk to someone. So now I have an appointment on Monday to hopefully make progress towards my getting my head better.

I’ve been reading Furiously Happy on my Kindle app and it’s really helping. If you have any mental health issues, and can read,  please buy this. Or even if you can’t read, use an audio book. Its so good. I had to excuse myself from the bedroom the other night M had to kick me out of the bedroom the other night because I couldn’t stop laughing while he was trying to watch Preacher. (PS- has anyone watched that show? It’s weird AF…)

Anyyyywaaayyyyy

I just wanted to get a quick post in today. Now that I’m less bedridden, I’m finding it harder to get posts in. But I’m trying, I promise! I think once the move is done then I might have some more down time. At least before I go back to work!

Happy Friday my lovelies, I think I’m headed to a penny slot place in town!

-DF