Day 4

Ok, this is probably going to be a semi-short post. Mostly because I am absolutely exhausted but have only had one cup of coffee so far. But I want to keep good on my promises to myself and to you that I will post my journey. I’m starting to get the hang of this whole “body love” thing. I’m also gaining tons of support with my journey and finding friends who are along the same path (shout out Maggie!). I did not go to the gym yesterday which was kinda ok cause I’ve been SO FUCKING BUSY that I almost forgot that my birthday is next week.

But that’s not the point of this post. I am vigilant to continue my Emotional Eating journals and keeping track of what I’m eating. I allowed myself to eat some Cheez-It’s yesterday, portioned them out, and I actually felt kinda guilty for eating them. I felt like I was almost sabotaging myself by letting me have them. But I got over that quickly when I reminded myself that it was because I didn’t have any snacks with me and was super hungry. It was much better than binging on M&M’s, which I came so close to doing.

As I said, I did not get a chance to go to the gym or even workout yesterday, which I have been afraid of doing because I’m terrified that I’m going to fall off this path.  But I’m determined this time.

“Dear Body, I love you because…”

Dear Body,

I love you because you have put up with my shit for so long and have been relatively good to me. Aside from the mental health issues and some other health issues, you have been so good to me. You have allowed me to be on this eart, breathing and living, for the last 29 years.

I’ve treated you like crap and I’m so sorry that I did that to you, I hope that you will forgive me and allow to me make it up to you. To nourish you with food that fuels you, rather than feed you shit food that makes you have to work harder.

Is that why I’m so tired all the time? Because I put you through so much and you’ve had to work overtime to keep me alive? I cannot thank you enough for keeping me going. I promise to treat you better, to not talk bad about you, because you have done so much for me.

From this point on, I am going to treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. Because I want us to be together for a very, very long time.

Love and respect,

Diedre

XOXO

Let me know why you love your body, what do you love about your body? Use the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on instagram or twitter and tag me @realtalkwithdee

Day 3

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I hadn’t taken the time to look at myself in the mirror in a long time. But after my walk/run I went to take a shower. I was devastated by what I saw in the mirror. I have let myself go so far. I know I can get back to where I’m happy with my body but it was truly shocking to see just how bad my belly has gotten. I’m not comfortable posting my “before” pictures on here, but to paint a picture: I’m 5’6″ and I weigh 290lbs, most of my weight is around my midsection which is due in part to my PCOS but also my lack of self-control when it comes to delicious foods. 

I’ve been using MyFitnessPal to stay on track and if I stay on the path I’m on, eating >1,500 calories a day and working out, I will lose an estimated 15lbs in the next 5 weeks. That brings us to the end of May. My goal is to be down to 220lbs in a size 14 pant and large top by the end of the year. It’s not an unrealistic goal for me, that’s 70lbs in 8 months. If I work hard and focus on my body and the food going into it as well as staying on top of my fitness, it can be done. 

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. I’m here for Day 3 of the Emotional Eating Journal. 

“What is your relationship with food like? Write a letter, as if it were a real person.”

Dear Food,

Hey old friend, haven’t talked in a while. I’m writing today to tell you that about my feelings on our relationship and what I hope for it to become. 

I know in the past, you’ve been there for me in my moments of need, but you’ve also beckoned me in my moments of weakness. You know all too well that I turn to you when I’m bored, and you’ve accepted that as your role in my life. Any time I had nothing to do with my hands or mouth, you were there to help me distract me. You struck me worse at this new job, where you called to me every time I walked past you. Telling me that “a few M&M’s won’t kill you, but don’t forget the Cheez-Its” and forcing yourself to keep my mind distracted from my real goals and dreams. 

Eventually you became a routine for me, I had set plan for the foods that I became accustomed to eating. Sometimes they were good choices, but more often than not you lured me in with chocolate and salty snacks. I’m thankful for having you in my life when you’re not trying to sabotage my wishes for my life. I realize not everyone has a friend like you in their life. But I can see how you’ve hurt me in the past and I’m here to tell you that will never happen again. 

I want to continue our friendship but there needs to be some changes. I want to live a long and healthy life but if you keep seducing me with sweets and junk food, it won’t happen. Unfortunately we won’t be seeing much of each other in the way that I know you want. I’m going to be seeing you for healthy, nourishing foods that will help me live long enough to taste the different flavors that you offer. 

I hope that you understand and respect my wishes. 

Thanks for the memories. 

You’re friend,

Diedre

xoxo

What is your relationship with food? Let me know and use the hashtag #deesweightlossjourney on twitter or instagram! @realtalkwithdee  

Emotional Eating Journal Entry: Day 2

Day one of my journey was an easy one, I didn’t stray from the food plan I had in mind, I downloaded MyFitnessPal, and went to the gym. I’m feeling cautious optimistic about my healthy life course. 

So in that tone, here is my second entry of the Emotional Eat Journal:

“What do I want out of my life? How do I make sure I get it?”

I want to be free of my physical limitations due to my weight/size. My weight isn’t as much of a factor as my size and health, but along with health and size comes less weight. When I was training before, I hit a plateau of weight where I wasn’t losing any weight but I was feeling and looking better. I had more stamina and could do things that my body wouldn’t let me do before. I need to get back to that place and beyond. 

I want to be able to go on adventures and travel without feeling like my body mass is a hinderence. As I said in my previous post, I’m embarrassed by how large I’ve gotten. It’s sickening to think how easy it was for one slip up to lead to me gaining all the weight I’d worked so hard to lose and then some, back. 

I’m one of those people who has struggled, and will struggle, to keep weight off for my whole life. I know now that I can’t let up. I have to find a path and stay on it, otherwise it might cost me my life. I don’t want to be on medication for health issues that could have been solved by me being less of a shit-pig. Don’t get me wrong- I’m all about body positivity and loving the skin you’re in, but at a certain point I think it becomes unhealthy to be a larger person. It hurts your joints, your heart and other organs, it hurts your brain because of the torment that plus-sized people deal with. I consider myself to be a fairly confident person, but I think there’s a real breaking point for everyone; I’ve reached my breaking point. I’m unhappy in my body because I know it’s capable of so much more. 

So how do I make sure I reach my goals? Persistence. It’s as simple as not letting yourself slip fully into the point of no return. Of course a piece of cake won’t completely ruin my body (unless it’s blueberry, cause I’m allergic). But the problem that I have is thinking that “One piece of cake won’t kill my week” leads to “Oh I worked out 4 times this week, maybe some cookies would be nice” and then fall into that routine. I can’t let that happen, not this time. 

I know when I read articles about life-style changes and healthy living, it says that you can’t keep yourself from eating sweets because it will lead to a binge or something but my mind works opposite; One slip leads to a tumble that leads to a free fall into unhealthy eating habits. I have to abstain from unhealthy foods if I want to achieve my goal of living long enough to grow old with Matt. 

So that’s it, that’s want I want out of my life and how I plan on getting it. 

What do you want out of life? How do you plan on getting there? Let me know on twitter or instagram using #deesweightlossjourney and tag me! @realtalkwithdee

xoxo

This is why I’m “fat”

I’m going to (once again) TRY and lose this weight. I am officially at my heaviest I have ever been and it’s not only bad for my health but for my relationships. I used to be able to walk long distances and not get winded, Matt and I used to be able to go on adventures all the time but now I can’t fit into an airplane seat without the seatbelt extender. Its embarrassing for me and I’m sure people who see me think, why does she dress like she’s 50lbs lighter than she is? 

This is not meant to be a self body-shame post though. I know what my body is capable of and what it has done before. I am not ashamed of my stretch marks or cellulite, because EVERYONE HAS THAT. 

I found this list on Pinterest and I decided to challenge myself to see if I can do it. I went back to the gym yesterday for the first time since I cracked a rib and sublexated my shoulder. I ran/walked a little over a mile in around 20 minutes. I hadn’t ran in over 1 year and I felt exhilarated. I started tracking my food yesterday and will try and remember to be consistant with that too. 

So here goes the first “journal” entry….

“My biggest barrier to weight loss is ____ and here is why…”

My biggest barrier to weight loss is consistency. For a while, about 2 years ago, I got super into going to the gym. I was motivated and eating right; I lost 45lbs. It was amazing, I was on cloud fucking 9. But then something changed. I don’t know if it was the weather change (fall-winter) or just the holidays but I fell off. And then I got hurt and went through that whole back-surgery thing. 

Since then I have gained 60lbs+ and have tried several times to get back in the gym and back to eating right. But I can’t get it going on. I’m fucking upset that I can’t get back into my old routine. I don’t know if it’s just me being a lazy sack of poo or lack of space to meal prep or just working all the time. I don’t know what it is. I fucking hate it though. I’m sick of being this big. I’m sick of barely fitting into a size 20 pants. 

I know my body can be healthy again. I need to be smart this time. No cheats. No off days. Just pedal to the floor, fully committed, no excuses. 

Who wants to take this challenge with me? Use the #deesweightlossjourney and tag me @realtalkwithdee on twitter or instagram! 

xoxo

Rant time

I’ currently working at the ice rink and there is a tournament going on. 

I got here at 10 this morning and was score keeping leading up to working at the front desk. 

Not all, but MOST of the coaches that I have dealt with today have been absolute pricks. If I tell you that the rule is you have to leave car keys or a drivers license with me, don’t fucking fight me on it. I don’t make the fucking schedule and its not my fucking fault that you didn’t read the board right. I did not make the locker room assignments for the day. I honestly don’t care that your kids have to walk across the lobby (maybe 40 feet wide) to get to the rink they are playing on. I literally just work at the front desk. The name of your team on the board is the team name that we were sent, I don’t care if its fucking wrong. I am sick of your shit.

Please kindly go fuck yourself.

AND ANOTHER THING

There are kids running around the lobby of the rink. The rules are very clear and running is against the rules. I cant even tell you how many times I have yelled at the same children. When you bring your kids to a rink, or anywhere for that matter, please PAY THE FUCK ATTENTION TO THEM. I’ve actually given up on yelling at the kids because they just don’t fucking listen.

Ok I think feel better now. I know I’ll feel better. When I’m off work…

xoxo

P FUCKING S

Some parent just walked back here like he owned the fucking joint and took his license back and left the key. THATS FUCKING ILLEGAL. I told him he couldn’t do that and he told me to fuck off that he had to leave. Dude just fucked up key privileges for his team for the weekend.

Part 2

I’m honestly thinking of making this a segment on my blog, but the lack of traffic has me concerned that I would be shouting to the world wile no one is listening. Which is sort of what I’ve been doing. 

I want to get my take on my mental illness out there. I want to share with the world what my struggle is. I know that sounds like some serious first world problems because there are plenty of people ho have it worse. Although now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t think the term “first world problems” is the right phrase to use any more. Because there are people who live in a “first world” who don’t have the same experience as others. But that’s not what I want to talk about here. Not because its not something that I’m concerned about, because it is, but its not a topic that I feel I have enough knowledge on to write about. 

Mental health, however, is something I feel comfortable discussing; because everyone’s experience is so different that I feel like there is no right or wrong way to go about this. Like what I might feel one day could be one persons high, or my lows could be someone’s rock bottom. The point is, depression and anxiety are horrific beasts that come in all shapes and sizes to fit each person differently. 

My anxiety triggers are different than others and it rears its had diffent each day. For example, today I had a panicked thought: “What happens if my friend falls or gets hurt while her grandson is the only person there with her? Would he run down to our camper because he knows us? Would he know to call 911 in an emergency? What if she locked the camper? Would he know enough to unlock it?” I should point out that this came out of nowhere, like my friend does not have a history of falling, and she is quite young for a grandmother. There was no basis for this panic. And yet it came to me and worked its way into my brain. 

 Often have random, unfounded fears like this. I run panic scenarios in my head, most of the time its things that would never happen in real life. But that’s the way that my anxiety works. It’s a mysterious bitch. However, that’s not the only thing that gives me anxiety. Sometimes it could be too many people, or too much stimulation (i.e. too loud of music/yelling/noises), but sometimes its hits out of nowhere with a wave of anxiety. 

Sometimes its a movie or a show that hits me. It makes me feel something and then I get anxious. I’m sort of a control freak so when I’m not in control of my body or thoughts, I panic. Which is why I don’t drink or do drugs anymore; not that I was ever very heavy into them, I dabbled. My need to be in control is something that I’ve talked to therapists about before, and the only thing I was told was a to try and relax. I guess the shrinks I was seeing are fucking quacks because they of all people should know that it’s very hard to control your emotions when you have mental health issues.

I’ve tried to let go and get loose a couple of times, but it was only very brief AND before my doctor up’d my dosage. On top of that, I’m now on a slew of other medications for my numerous ailments (PCOS, arthritis, chronic back pain, etc.). I basically am the most sober person. Most of my friends see me as a pretty easy going person, to them I’m “chill.” But little do they know that I fight a battle every day to seem normal. I wish it was something that was easy to fix or something that could go away on its own, but it wont. It’s honestly so exhausting to put on my happy face every day and shine like the bright star that I am. So that’s why when I’m down, I’m really down. 

My close friends can always tell when something is wrong. Those are the people that I spend most of my time with. Even some of my coworkers can tell. Because normally, I’m the life of the party- and I don’t mean that to toot my own horn or anything, but its true. I have been the person that can hold groups together, the person who can make anyone feel comfortable. I’ve often thought of the spoon theory when talking about the mask that I put on when I’m with my friends and family. If you don’t know or ave never heard of the spoon theory, I’ll leave a link for you here. Basically, every day you have a set amount of spoons, do the dishes and that’s a spoon, walk the dog and that’s 2. If you run out of spoons you are so wiped out that you can’t even stand it. Sometimes you an borrow them from the next day, but heaven forbid you have something to do the next day and need those spoons. So its sort of like that for me but my amount of spoons changes from day to day. Some days I have an infinite amount of spoons but others I find myself barely holding myself up. Most of the time, its not the physical exhaustion that gets me though, its the mental. 

Being happy ALL THE TIME is fucking draining- I don’t know how normal people do it. If you’re one of those people, please tell me your ways? Or if you’re like me, what do you do when the spoons have all run out but you have a whole list of shit to do. Lets help each other, ok?

xoxo 

My anit-crazy pills and my mental illness

I hate using the word “crazy” but sometimes when it calls for it, there’s not other way to describe it. The worst is when you’re in your therapists office and they ask you how you’ve been feeling, its hard not to say “crazy.” Sometimes I say that I feel chaotic, or my brain is going all helterskelter on my ass. But mostly I tell them that I feel crazy, which always ends with a look of panic from my therapist when I say it for the first time. After that first time though, she understands that I don’t mean crazy in the sense that I’m manic or something, but more like I’m feeling scattered. So I take pills to manage the chaos in my brain.

But it’s not just what my brain feels like that makes me feel this way, it’s the quirks; and let me tell you, they are weird. I mean, I know mine aren’t as odd as some, but to people who don’t deal with someone who has a mental illness on a regular basis its pretty weird. So some friends and some family members might not realize that to me, this is normal.

I sometimes find myself questioning my actions. Like why do I do the crazy things that I do? Like hide my face and think no one can see me and feel instantly safe? When I do this, I think that its to hide my eyes. When I’m feeling anxious, I feel like my eyes will give me away or something. I’m basically trying to hide the crazy. Not that any normal person can tell when I’m feeling this way though. Matt can, he can always tell when I’m feeling off. I guess it’s because we’ve been together so long.

Another thing that I do is chew on the inside on my mouth. Which I guess isn’t all that weird, I’m sure most people do that. I also pick my cuticles, which I guess isn’t that weird at all, I know a lot of people who do that. There are a lot of other weird things that I do that probably don’t seem too weird to other people. So maybe they’re not that weird? Maybe its just being unique?

What was it that Jenny Lawson said about being unique? “Don’t just be some random person. Be the MOST random person.” Meaning we’re all unique and have quirks but if you have the rough ones like mental illness, fucking own it. I guess that’s what I’m working on… 

xoxo